In the morning I woke up with a terrible headache. I ate two pills and I felt better. A doctor entered in my room. He was quite tall with a beer belly, around forty-five years old with short brown hair and a mustache. “How are you?” he asked. “You must know it better than me,” I answered. “No seriously I feel quite okay but… how to explain. I have the impression that my body is broken in thousands of pieces. But I’d like to know exactly what I have,” I explained. “Well, you have a commotion. It’s why you have this headache. It’s reducing and in few days it will be gone. Then your left leg is broken at the height of the tight. Regarding to the radio, it’s a clear injury. This means that you will recover well and don’t need another operation. What about your back?” he asked. “Well, I cannot move that much so it’s difficult to say something about it. It’s a bit hurting in the lower part. But I noticed something else. I’m unable to move my right leg. I thought that I was too weak yesterday. I tried again this morning and I still cannot,” I described. “Let’s make a test,” he suggested. When he was near my feet, he uncovered them and touched the right one. I said that I felt nothing. Then he softly hit it with his pen. Still nothing. And again with more pressure. “I have to look once more at the radiographs,” he said before to leave the room. I looked at the ceiling and my heart was beating quicker. Was it what I was thinking of? A tear ran on my cheek. It wasn’t possible. There was a mistake somewhere. When the doctor was back, his face was closed. “Don’t lie on me! I want to hear the truth without doctor language. I can’t walk, right? I’m paraplegic,” I said. “Well… but…” “I wanna know. Please tell me!!!” I requested while other tears ran out. “Unfortunately yes. But it’s maybe not definitive. There are some solutions…” “Get out!” I shouted, throwing my pillow to him. The emotion was so huge that I cried like I never did it in my life. At that moment I just wanted to die. My little world was exploding. It was like if I was falling in a hole without a bottom. My heart was hurting, I was sweating and I couldn’t breathe. I got some oxygen from the young nurse and suddenly I calmed down. My pulses were back to normal and I fall asleep.
“What time is it?” I asked to the nurse that was measuring my pressure. “It’s almost 5. Do you want to eat something?” she kindly asked. “Well… I don’t really know. I feel like dying every half a day since I’m here and I don’t know what to think. Everything is so confused in my mind. May I ask you to bring me a newspaper?” She answered that she would see what she could do. Maybe I would finally have news of my teammates. She came back with the Savon Sanomat, the newspaper from the region of Kuopio. “Thanks. And… you have beautiful eyes,” I said. Her cheeks became reddish, she smiled and left. When I had the paper in my hands I had a strange feeling. Okay it was not the Helsingin Sanomat but I didn’t remember that it had so few pages. I read it in less than ten minutes. Where was the sport news? It was impossible that the paper didn’t write a word about the competition. I looked at the numbering. The pages three to six plus the sport news were missing. When the nurse arrived with my dinner I asked if I could have a complete newspaper. “I guess that a fan of ice hockey took the sport news,” I described. “It’s our last newspaper. We have no other left. Sorry. Enjoy your meal,” she wished before to leave me alone.
“Where were you?” I asked when my brother entered in the room. “Hello Matti. I was working, the way to Mikkeli is quite long and the driving difficult because of the weather,” he explained and I apologized. When I explained my situation he didn’t seem to be surprised. I guessed that the doctors talked to him before I woke up. “Don’t worry. You will live with us and we will take care of you,” he reassured. “Thank you…” I said before to erase a tear. “It’s kind of you. But I have to find another place to live. You have two kids and I’m bad-tempered. You will not support me longer than three days,” I added. “No, no, no Matti. I already talked about it with my wife and we both want that you stay in our house. This weekend I will transform my room where I play the guitar and computer to a room for you. My guest room is too small. You need space to move.” I was so touched by his words that I didn’t talk. Few minutes before I was thinking that my place was in the cemetery and at that moment I was imagining my new life. My brother was fantastic. I was lucky. “Who won the competition?” I asked. “Nobody.” “How nobody? What happened?” I asked, curious. “As soon as the news of the accident was known, the jumpers decided to don’t compete by respect. The organizational committee, the jury and the FIS were not happy about it but changed their mind,” he explained. “How is Havu? Right after the accident he was able to walk,” I asked, hoping that he would tell me more about the others. “He is at home now. He wasn’t injured but he wasn’t fine psychologically. He was shocked. Only few people can visit him and I was not allowed. I don’t know more. Sorry.” “And Harri? He said in the bus that his arm was broken,” I added. “I don’t know much about him. In the news they just said that he was injured. I don’t know if he is in that hospital or if he was transferred,” he told me. “What about Ville?” “Oh my God it’s already half past six. I have to go. I want to see my kids before they go to bed. I will come over tomorrow.” “He is dead, isn’t he?” I insisted. Suddenly he looked at the floor. “No, not really.” He finally confessed. “What do you mean by not really? And what about Ahonen?” “Good night,” he just said before to close the door. During the following minutes I was thinking of that sentence: not really dead. I was thrilling.
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