Forum für Finnen-Fans

Hier ist meine neue Fiktion in Englisch (sorry mein Deutsch ist noch zu schlecht).

Like ever everything comes from my strange imagination. I hope that you will like it.

Warning: it's not for sensitive people

Enjoy!

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Part 1: quarrels and games

It was a cold afternoon in March with strong wind. The sky was already quite dark and it was possible that it snowed in a couple of minutes. If a person was depressive it was the perfect weather to suicide. I zipped my winter jacket until the top to cover my face and wore my hat. I walked to the top of the hill to look at the landscape. The lights of the industrial city were all on but seemed to be inefficient to enlighten the streets. At the bottom of the hill there was the stadium. Unfortunately no Finn managed to be on the podium and many people already left during the final round. They were probably also too cold and wanted to go home to have a hot sauna or to eat a greasy sausage in town. The others were looking at the flower ceremony. From where I was I could hear the national anthem of Austria. It was like so often one of these competitions that we are waiting for months and failed dramatically the D-day. Maybe it was just bad luck. Maybe it was a technical or mental problem. I had no real idea about it. Anyway, I was disappointed like all my teammates. After a last breath I walked back to our house where we had to pack. Many minibuses were there waiting for the material of the jumpers. It was not easy to walk in the middle of this small place with so many people. The jumpers and other team members were carrying huge bags and skis on their shoulders. They talked in languages that were not understandable for me. I had the impression to be invisible. They just walked and almost all touched me without paying attention. The smallest teams left right after the last jump of their best jumper. The Austrians would probably be the last team. They had two guys on the podium and their local television was waiting for interviewing the stars of the day. The Finnish reporters were so disappointed that they didn’t come here to ask more questions. They were probably analyzing our jumps and replaying the competition with if that happened and that not would be the result better? I preferred to don’t think too much of it.

„Take a beer to forget that shitty competition,“ said Harri Olli when I opened the door. „Thanks,“ I answered while he gave me the can already open. I would have preferred a hot tea but it was okay. „Hey guys, can you please help me to clean,“ requested Ville Kantee, our serviceman. „I’m not a woman and I was the best today. So, no cleaning for me,“ laughed Harri. I took a trash bag while they quarreled. On the floor, there were plenty of papers, bottles and other dusts. How was it possible to make such a mess in three days? Suddenly the door opened and the cold wind entered. „I just wanted to tell you that before you leave you can come this evening to my flat. I’ve invited some friends and we’ll have a party. Larinto, Veli-Matti, Juha-Matti and Sami are coming,“ explained Kimmo Yliriesto with enthusiasm in the voice. „That can be fun!“ Harri answered immediately. „Oh, oh, oh,“ clamed Ville. „The bus leaves at 6 tomorrow morning and I need valid jumpers in the qualification.“ Again Harri laughed. „We will go to bed early, Daddy. Don’t worry.“ Ville looked very angry but didn’t answer. I thought that it was better like this. „I’m not coming. I go home to play with my kids and spend the night with my wife. Sorry. Maybe after the season,“ Janne Ahonen said. „I will come to have a drink and say hello to your guests,“ Janne Happonen answered. Kalle Keituri refused. He had dinner with his family. „And you?“ Kimmo said, looking at me. „Well… I don’t know.“ „Come on. We will have fun. I have a Wii and we can sing karaoke,“ I smiled. Of course the temptation was huge. But I knew that the trip in bus from Lahti to Kuopio was long and I had to pass the qualification in front of my public. To fail would be the worst possible humiliation. „No, thanks. I will stay at the hotel,“ I answered.

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When the house was clean and all the material charged in the bus, Janne Väätäinen, our head coach, reminded the schedule. „So guys. Now we are going to the hotel to relax and eat. I know that some of you have other plans. The only thing that I want is that you don’t go to bed too late. 10pm would be great. And you have to be in the reception of the hotel at 6am. Okay?“ Everybody accepted the deal. Before to climb in the minibus, someone put his hand on my shoulder. „You’re invited for dinner at my place,“ Janne Ahonen murmured. „Me? Oh yes. Why not?“ We left the group and I sat in his black Audi. When we arrived closed to the main road, some people took pictures of us, knocked at the windows and shook flags. „I’m bored to always sign autographs, be on pictures with girls and answer stupid questions,“ I said while looking at these people so excited. I had the impression that they were seeing God or Santa Claus. „It’s part of our job. You can do nothing against it. If you don’t want that anymore, you have only one solution.“ „I know,“ I answered still looking outside. After a silent moment, Janne looked at me. „I’m worrying about you. You seem to be sad and bored.“ I was surprised. Someone was looking at me and worrying. But I felt okay. I didn’t know what to answer. I guessed that I was bored because my season was disappointed like the previous ones. My best result was only an 8th rank. I was getting older and I knew that the end of my ski jumper career would come soon. What would I do when I would be retired? To be trainer? I had no idea. „You should not be worry about me. I’m fine. But I appreciate that you ask.“ This answer didn’t seem to satisfy him but it was the end of the conversation.

When he opened the door of his house I smelled a nice perfume coming from the kitchen that was upstairs. “We are here,” Janne said loudly while he took his shoes off in the entrance. His older boy Mico ran in the stairs to hug his father but was too shy to welcome me. “Hello Mico,” I said with a wide smile. The poor guy seemed to be afraid. Did I look so bad? “Come on Mico. Say hello to Matti,” demanded his father. He hugged me and ran to the stairs. We followed him and greeted Tiia. “It’s nice that you accepted the invitation,” Tiia said with a warm voice. Then we sat on the sofa, drinking sparkling wine and playing with Milo. The boy was laughing all the time. “What is so funny?” I asked. “I don’t know. He is like that in the evening. Everything is funny for him,” explained his father who was hiding his eyes with a pillow and doing strange face expressions. For me, it was weird. I have to admit that I don’t have a good feeling with babies. Some minutes later it was time for him to go to bed. His father kissed his cheek and it was Tiia that installed him in his bed.

For dinner we ate some pork filets with vegetables and pasta. It was good. Much better than the food at the hill and hundred times better than when I cook in my flat. “Dad? Why didn’t you jump better?” asked Mico at the end of the meal. Janne smiled and drank some water before to answer. “Well… the wind was not so good and I jumped too late.” “And you?” I was very surprised that suddenly he talked to me. “Me? Hum… I’m a bad jumper and…” “Matti! You’re not bad. You were… unlucky,” interrupted Tiia. After the dessert Janne and I played pool at the ground floor. I was so bad that I was unable to drive a bowl in a hole. “You are too good for me. I give up.” “Please Matti. Let’s play another game. You have to concentrate. And you are not playing in the right position. You have to be like this and look at the hole from here and the bowl like that. Now try to push that red bowl in this hole,” he explained. I looked exactly where he showed me and… I missed the hole for two centimeters. “Almost!” he exclaimed. “Try again.” I chose the yellow bowl in the opposite corner and looked like he taught me. I hit the bowl and… missed again the hole. I was so pissed off that I looked at the window. “Unbelievable! You’ve made it! The bowl hit twice the border and entered in that hole. You’re a champion! It’s very hard to shoot like that,” he spoke with enthusiasm. For me, it was just luck. Finally I was not so bad. We decided to start a new game with 5 parts. As you can guess I lost. But I won two parts. I was happy. Then it was time to leave. He proposed me to sleep there but I refused because I had to pack my clothes and I wanted to take a shower. I thank Tiia for the cooking, said good night to Mico and then Janne drove me to the hotel that was in town.

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When I opened the door of my room there was no light. I was careful because I didn’t know if my roommate was sleeping or still outside. I turned on the light in the bathroom and looked at the bed. Nobody was there. I turned on the other light and packed my clothes. When it was done I looked at the street through the window. It was snowing and some people were walking. I guessed that they were drank. One of them hit a wall and the others were talking very loud. I closed the curtains and took a hot shower. Some minutes later I turned off all the lights and lay in the bed.

Suddenly there was so much noise that I thought that the hotel was exploding. “What the hell is going on here?” I said, out of breath, while someone turned on the light. “Oh my God, Matti. It was so great. The party was fantastic! We had fun, we drank…” “Please, Havu. Don’t speak so loud. People are sleeping. Like me some minutes ago. Now go to bed,” I explained quite angry but in a low voice. He went to the bathroom, hitting the wall and the door. I tried to find a good position to fall asleep as soon as possible. “You know what?” he told me while he brushed his teeth. “I don’t want to know it. I want to sleep. So hurry up,” I answered. He jumped in the bed like if I was not there and looked at me. “With Harri…” “Shut up. I want to sleep and I don’t want to know what happened in the party, okay?” I insisted. Finally he seemed to be disappointed, stopped talking and turned off the lights. “Good night.” “Good night.”

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My phone rang at 5:15. With my hand I tried to catch it on the night table and turn it off. “Havu? Are you sleeping?” I asked. As an answer I just heard a strange growl. I yawned and opened the curtains. It was dark outside and the street was desert. Some fresh snow was covering the ground. I went to the bathroom to clean my face and brush my hair. I looked so tired. When I went back to the bedroom I turned on the light. My roommate hid under the covers. “Get up Janne. You still have to pack,” I said while I wore my shirt. “I want to sleep,” he answered with a low voice. I ignored him and went to the breakfast room. The coaches were already eating and Olli Muotka was alone at another table. “Good morning,” I said before to take a coffee and some cereals. “How was the party?” asked Ville. I explained that I haven’t been and that Havu came back around 2am. “What? So late! I hope that he will jump well this afternoon,” Janne Väätäinen exclaimed. I didn’t answer and ate. Some minutes later, Happonen arrived with eyes half closed. “Where is Harri?” asked Väätäinen. “I don’t know. He was still at the party when I left,” explained Havu. The coach was very angry but didn’t comment.

At 6am, we were waiting in the reception hall of the hotel. Kalle Keituri and Ville Larinto joined us. They looked tired but not as much as Havu. Janne Väätäinen looked at us. “Well boys. Harri and Ahonen are missing. What I propose is that the first bus leaves now and the second when the two guys arrive.” “How long do we wait?” asked Ville Kantee. It was an allusion to a competition in Germany where we waited two hours for Harri. “Let’s say half an hour. Then they take the train.” The coach took the keys of the bus and Pentti Kokkonen, his assistant, Kalle, Larinto and Olli Muotka followed him. When they were gone we waited in silence.

“Sorry I’m late,” said Janne Ahonen when he entered in the reception with 15 minutes of delay and some snow in his hair. “It’s okay. We are now waiting for Harri,” exclaimed Ville. After 5 more minutes, Ville got up and looked through the windows. “Where is he? And why didn’t he quit the party with you?” he added while he looked at Happonen. “You know, it’s hard to convince him to do something when he has another opinion,” he explained shyly. When it was half past six, Ville ordered to go to the bus. When he unlocked it we heard a familiar voice from the opposite side of the street. “Finally,” Ville said with a bored voice to Harri. “I was…” “I don’t want to know! You don’t respect the rules as usually. You must be happy that Väätäinen is already gone. If I was the coach I… Anyway. Now sit in the bus and stay quiet,” warned Ville.

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I sat at the back of the bus to be quiet. In the middle there were Harri and Havu. Ville was driving and Ahonen was next to him. During the first minutes nobody talked and I almost fall asleep. “Stop the bus! Stop Ville!” almost screamed Harri. My heart was beating quickly while Ville stopped along the highway. Nobody had time to ask what happened that the boy from Rovaniemi opened the door and jumped outside. “I’m glad that you stopped on time. Otherwise he would have vomit on my feet,” said Havu to Ville. When Harri was back in the bus, Ahonen gave him a tissue. “You have something near your mouth,” he said and Harri thank him. “I feel much better now. Don’t have a bad opinion about myself. I didn’t drink that much yesterday evening. It’s more because of the driving. I only drank a couple of beers, some sangria and cider,” he justified. “Yeah plus the three glasses of vodka,” added Happonen. “What! But you are crazy! You know that there is this long trip in bus and you are very often sick and you consciously drank so much alcohol!” said Ville quite shocked of his behavior. To don’t listen at their conversation that was more quarrel than discussion, I read my book. “Matti is reading a book! I’ve to take a picture.” “Fuck off Harri. It’s not my fault if you can’t read,” I said quite angry. “I’m more intelligent that you all here,” he added. “Maybe to solve mathematic problems but nothing else,” I ended the conversation. I closed my book and my eyes and hoped that he would forget me quickly. At that moment I just wanted to kill him. But I’m a good guy and forgave.

“I bet 50€ that I’ll be again the best of us in Kuopio,” Harri said, an hour after our departure. “50€? You seem to be very confident. I bet that you will land right after the take off at… let’s say 70m,” Ahonen bet. Harri unlocked his seat belt and got up. “No! Because here, the King Eagle, it’s me!” “You are the king of nothing! You never won a title,” Ahonen argued. “There is only one king here and it’s me. Look at my career compared to yours.” “But you are old and I’m young. At your age I’ll be four times Olympic champion,” Harri speculated. After ten minutes I was very bored and I interrupted their talking. “You are the kings of nothing expect maybe of stupidity! You,” I said to Harri, “you only won a couple of World Cups and a silver medal in the World Championships. What’s that? It’s nothing. In five years everybody will forget you. Or maybe they will remember you as clone of drunken Matti Nykänen and the biggest troublemaker of the world. And you,” I continued looking at Janne Ahonen, “you’ve been to Olympics five times and unable to get a single individual medal. You’re nothing. You’re just the toy of the media,” I said pissed off. When I stopped talking there was a huge silence in the bus. Suddenly Harri laughed. “Listen to Mr. High and Mighty! I’m the biggest troublemaker! And what about you? You’re in World Cup since the prehistoric era and you never won a title either.” “Maybe. But I’m not annoying my teammates saying that I’m a king. I’m just a jumper and that’s all. I’m bored of your quarrels. Maybe you should fight a day or one of you should leave the team or die. I don’t know.” “Oh my God. I think that you must stop drinking or start immediately,” added Harri.

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After half an hour of tranquility Janne Happonen proposed: “Who want a beer?” Ville was angry again but said nothing. I could see his face in the mirror. He was giving up. Harri took a can and the two Janne also. I refused because it was not good for my body to have alcohol in blood before a competition. The others also knew about it but they were adults and it was not my role to remind them. From where I was I saw that there were about 20 cans in the bag. I was imagining the jumpers completely drank and vomiting everywhere at the hill. What a great show! Janne Ahonen opened a bit his window and lighted a cigarette. “Brrr close the window! I’m cold!” exclaimed Harri. “Just five minutes,” Janne said. It was true that suddenly the temperature fall. I took my jacket and used it as a cover. “It’s my turn to annoy my teammates,” Janne added while he threw some ash outside. Nobody protested but none of us was happy about the cold and the bad smell. When the window was closed again Harri and Havu talked about their party from the previous night. As you can imagine, the beginning was normal and then it was… anything. “The karaoke was great. I don’t like to sing but after some beers and with friends it’s funny,” told Harri. He unfastened his seat belt, got up and started to sing. “Oh please shut up!” screamed Ville still looking at the road that was slippery and covered of snow. “Drink a beer Ville. You need it.” “I’m driving Harri! And as you can see it’s not easy. There is ice under the snow,” he explained, losing his nerves.

After a small break Havu proposed to do a singing competition. I protested because I’m a bad singer. “I’ve a better idea!” Ahonen exclaimed. “We can sing a canon. You two together and I go at the back with Matti,” he proposed. Havu and Harri we happy about it but not Ville and me. “So let’s start with a simple song. Maybe Gimme Gimme Gimme by ABBA,” Janne proposed. Of course I knew that song but not the lyrics. So for me it was very difficult to participate. When the others realized that I was lost they laughed. “Oh Matti! You’re inventing a new song!” Happonen said. “I told you that I was a bad singer. What did you expect?” I asked. “Okay, okay. So now, it’s your turn to choose a song,” Harri told me. Oh my God… I thought a long time about it. The others proposed some songs but I refused. “Well... Let’s sing… Every day is Monday by the Kroisos.” “Good idea Matti!” Harri said. “Ville can sing with us!” he added. Surprisingly our driver started to sign and we followed. It was the first moment during that trip that we were not fighting. It was great. At the end we laughed and applauded ourselves.

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The following minutes were less funny. We continued our singing competition but Ville was very bored and angry. I could feel it in his driving. It wasn’t soft like during the first hours. Harri drank about 3 beers since the departure and was speaking very loudly. Often we had to tell him to be quieter. “Where did you sleep last night?” asked Happonen to Harri. “I didn’t sleep. When you left Kimmo’s flat, we played again with his Wii and when it was 5 o’clock, I drank three energy drinks. Then I walked to the hotel and you were kindly waiting for me,” he explained with a wide smile. “Kindly?” repeated Ville. “Oh shit, now it’s snowing harder and there is fog. Super…” he commented. In my opinion he was driving too fast regarding to the weather conditions. “Hey guys. Who want an energy drink? I’ve two cans in my pockets,” Harri proposed. He got up and opened a can. As you can imagine the liquid was projected in the whole bus and I got some drops in my eyes. “Harri!!!!” everybody complained. Ville was so pissed off that he turned to look at us. “Now it’s enough! Here it’s not a kindergarten. So…” “Ville!!!!” screamed Havu showing the road with his finger. Suddenly the bus left the highway, jumped on an amount of snow, flew in the air and then rolled in the snow. The bags, the jackets, the cans, everything was projected in all the directions. The windows broke and we were screaming. Harri and Ahonen that didn’t fasten their seat belts were ejected in all the directions. I was so afraid that I thought that my heart would explode. Every shock on the ground was terrible. The noise was terrible too. Something hit my back and before to feel a big pain, a heavy object – or someone - hit me in the face and I lost conscientiousness.

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Part 2: back to reality

There was a big silence. How many minutes had I been unconscious? I opened my eyes half way. I was cold. My view was blurry. Someone was moving and crying. “Matti!!! Matti!!! You’re alive?” “I think yes,” I answered. My back was very painful and I couldn’t move. My legs were jammed and my head was terribly hurting. I screamed once to evacuate the pain. When I touched my face, it was wet. I looked at my hand and it was covered of blood. “Harri? How are you?” I asked with the teeth closed and a big headache. He was under shock. All his body was shaking and he was crying. “My… my arm is broken and it’s so painful. I cannot move my fingers.” “Have you called the ambulance?” I asked while he shook his head. I put my hand in my pocket to catch my phone. “Mine is broken. What about yours?” With his left hand he checked his pockets. “I lost it. I lost it. I…,” “Harri, Harri. It’s okay,” I said before to look around for the others. Someone made a growl. “Oh my head. What happened?” said Janne Happonen that was slowly coming back to reality. He also had some blood in his face but I guessed that it was because of the broken glass. “We had an accident,” I said in a low voice. It was difficult to speak because some blood was running in my throat. I had a big buzzing in my ears and it was hard to follow the conversation. I saw that Havu got up and went to Ville. At least one of us was okay. “Ville?” Havu asked. “Ville, no! Don’t die! Ville!” When I heard these words I cried. I also hated our behavior. If we were normal people the accident would never have happened.

Harri was still crying and looking at his phone everywhere. “Harri be careful with your broken arm. Don’t move too much,” I warned him. “I’m so sorry… SORRY!... Mom… I want to hug my mom. I’ve to call her,” Harri said while he looked around him. I could see that he was realizing that the accident was partly his fault. But who had to be blamed? None of us took a decision at the right moment to stop our stupid games and discussions. We were all guilty and we were paying the high price of our mistakes. It was very cold in the bus. All the windows were broken and the wind was blowing inside. Havu finally found a mobile phone and called the ambulance. He also called the coaches but the phone ran out of battery after few seconds. Then they were talking about the other Janne. Where was he? I reopened my eyes and looked better in the bus. He wasn’t there or hidden. I couldn’t understand their talking and it was harder and harder to keep my eyes opened. I was so cold and the pain was so huge. I was not strong enough. I was unable to fight. Suddenly everything was black and silent again.

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I had a strange view around me. There were some blurry shapes that I couldn’t identify. Was I dead? Was it the paradise? If yes, it was not exactly how I imagined it. It was like if I had to live on a white sheet. And how long? There was no jumping hill and nobody to talk with. I was already bored. Everything was white or light grey. I also heard some bips. Then everything was clear. “Matti?” I looked on my left and I saw my brother sat on a chair. I noticed that he was sad just before and at that moment he had a wide smile on his face. “I’m so happy that you are alive! I was so worried. I missed you so much. I love you,” he said. “Where am I?” I asked with a very low voice. “You’re at the hospital in Mikkeli, the nearest from the accident location. The doctors are taking care of you. Don’t worry. You will recover,” he explained. I looked again around me. Except the flowers on my night desk there was no decoration. I looked at the window and saw that I had the view on a wall. Fantastic. “Where are my teammates?” My brother looked embarrassed. “You know, Matti. I should go. The doctors said that you have to sleep,” he avoided the question. “Where are my teammates?” I repeated. “Really Matti. You should sleep. You had a hard day.” “I want to know: WHERE ARE MY TEAMMATES???” I shouted. Suddenly a dark brown hair and Russian looking nurse opened the door. “My teammates! Where are they? I want to know what happened to them!” My heart was beating very quickly and the monitor showed my excitation. “Mr. Hautamäki, please calm down. “ I repeated once again my question but she did an injection and I fall asleep in few seconds.

When I woke up nobody was in my room. With my right hand I softly touched my face. There was no more blood but it was swollen. Then I moved to my chest. I had some connectors but nothing else special. I continued my exploration downer. I felt that my left leg was in plaster. It was probably broken. My right leg was okay. But when I touched it something was weird. But I was unable to know what. I tried to move a bit my leg but it didn’t react. Maybe I was too weak to move. Then I tried to raise a bit my chest. It was very painful but at least, I moved. So if I resumed my situation, I had a broken leg, a big headache and back pain. I guessed that in less than a week I would be at home. After 3 months I would walk and after six months I could start jumping again. That meant that I would miss the summer grand prix and will be late in my winter preparation. What else? Oh yes, I would have another shitty season. With maybe a good result at the end probably in Planica. How was it possible to have so much bad luck?

A young nurse entered in my room. “Good evening,” she said shyly. I just answered with a smile. She was not very pretty but seemed to be kind. Much more than the previous one. She had long blond curly hair, a rounded face with a small mouth. She was small and had many kilos to lose. She looked at the monitor with her light blue eyes and wrote something on her paper. She was right-handed. “May I ask you a question? Is it possible to have a TV?” I asked. “The doctor said that it’s better for you to don’t look at a screen,” she told me with a sweet voice before to leave. I was thinking of the way to have access to the news. On my night desk there was no phone either. I was alone in my room and so, it was impossible to ask a visitor to give me some news. I was quite sure that all the media were talking about our accident. The reason why my brother refused to talk to me was that it was serious. I hoped that Ville was not dead. For the dinner I just had a light soup without taste and a piece of bread. I was not hungry but I felt a bit better after I have eaten. Then I got a sleeping pill and slept like a baby.

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In the morning I woke up with a terrible headache. I ate two pills and I felt better. A doctor entered in my room. He was quite tall with a beer belly, around forty-five years old with short brown hair and a mustache. “How are you?” he asked. “You must know it better than me,” I answered. “No seriously I feel quite okay but… how to explain. I have the impression that my body is broken in thousands of pieces. But I’d like to know exactly what I have,” I explained. “Well, you have a commotion. It’s why you have this headache. It’s reducing and in few days it will be gone. Then your left leg is broken at the height of the tight. Regarding to the radio, it’s a clear injury. This means that you will recover well and don’t need another operation. What about your back?” he asked. “Well, I cannot move that much so it’s difficult to say something about it. It’s a bit hurting in the lower part. But I noticed something else. I’m unable to move my right leg. I thought that I was too weak yesterday. I tried again this morning and I still cannot,” I described. “Let’s make a test,” he suggested. When he was near my feet, he uncovered them and touched the right one. I said that I felt nothing. Then he softly hit it with his pen. Still nothing. And again with more pressure. “I have to look once more at the radiographs,” he said before to leave the room. I looked at the ceiling and my heart was beating quicker. Was it what I was thinking of? A tear ran on my cheek. It wasn’t possible. There was a mistake somewhere. When the doctor was back, his face was closed. “Don’t lie on me! I want to hear the truth without doctor language. I can’t walk, right? I’m paraplegic,” I said. “Well… but…” “I wanna know. Please tell me!!!” I requested while other tears ran out. “Unfortunately yes. But it’s maybe not definitive. There are some solutions…” “Get out!” I shouted, throwing my pillow to him. The emotion was so huge that I cried like I never did it in my life. At that moment I just wanted to die. My little world was exploding. It was like if I was falling in a hole without a bottom. My heart was hurting, I was sweating and I couldn’t breathe. I got some oxygen from the young nurse and suddenly I calmed down. My pulses were back to normal and I fall asleep.

“What time is it?” I asked to the nurse that was measuring my pressure. “It’s almost 5. Do you want to eat something?” she kindly asked. “Well… I don’t really know. I feel like dying every half a day since I’m here and I don’t know what to think. Everything is so confused in my mind. May I ask you to bring me a newspaper?” She answered that she would see what she could do. Maybe I would finally have news of my teammates. She came back with the Savon Sanomat, the newspaper from the region of Kuopio. “Thanks. And… you have beautiful eyes,” I said. Her cheeks became reddish, she smiled and left. When I had the paper in my hands I had a strange feeling. Okay it was not the Helsingin Sanomat but I didn’t remember that it had so few pages. I read it in less than ten minutes. Where was the sport news? It was impossible that the paper didn’t write a word about the competition. I looked at the numbering. The pages three to six plus the sport news were missing. When the nurse arrived with my dinner I asked if I could have a complete newspaper. “I guess that a fan of ice hockey took the sport news,” I described. “It’s our last newspaper. We have no other left. Sorry. Enjoy your meal,” she wished before to leave me alone.

“Where were you?” I asked when my brother entered in the room. “Hello Matti. I was working, the way to Mikkeli is quite long and the driving difficult because of the weather,” he explained and I apologized. When I explained my situation he didn’t seem to be surprised. I guessed that the doctors talked to him before I woke up. “Don’t worry. You will live with us and we will take care of you,” he reassured. “Thank you…” I said before to erase a tear. “It’s kind of you. But I have to find another place to live. You have two kids and I’m bad-tempered. You will not support me longer than three days,” I added. “No, no, no Matti. I already talked about it with my wife and we both want that you stay in our house. This weekend I will transform my room where I play the guitar and computer to a room for you. My guest room is too small. You need space to move.” I was so touched by his words that I didn’t talk. Few minutes before I was thinking that my place was in the cemetery and at that moment I was imagining my new life. My brother was fantastic. I was lucky. “Who won the competition?” I asked. “Nobody.” “How nobody? What happened?” I asked, curious. “As soon as the news of the accident was known, the jumpers decided to don’t compete by respect. The organizational committee, the jury and the FIS were not happy about it but changed their mind,” he explained. “How is Havu? Right after the accident he was able to walk,” I asked, hoping that he would tell me more about the others. “He is at home now. He wasn’t injured but he wasn’t fine psychologically. He was shocked. Only few people can visit him and I was not allowed. I don’t know more. Sorry.” “And Harri? He said in the bus that his arm was broken,” I added. “I don’t know much about him. In the news they just said that he was injured. I don’t know if he is in that hospital or if he was transferred,” he told me. “What about Ville?” “Oh my God it’s already half past six. I have to go. I want to see my kids before they go to bed. I will come over tomorrow.” “He is dead, isn’t he?” I insisted. Suddenly he looked at the floor. “No, not really.” He finally confessed. “What do you mean by not really? And what about Ahonen?” “Good night,” he just said before to close the door. During the following minutes I was thinking of that sentence: not really dead. I was thrilling.

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The next morning I had a new visit. It was our head coach Janne Väätäinen. “You should be in Norway right now,” I said. “I can’t. When I heard about the accident I decided to stay here. My jumpers are more important than the competitions. How are you?” he asked. “Well… I can tell you that I’m not a jumper anymore. I will spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair.” “I’m so sorry… I have some books for you. I don’t know if you like them.” I thank him. “I feel so guilty,” I said. “It was an accident. It’s not your fault.” “Yes, it is. I noticed quite early that Ville was pissed off. We were so stupid. We were quarrelling and making a lot of noise. And I did nothing to stop it,” I told with a tear in my eye. “You’re a good guy Matti. It was just bad luck.” Then I asked him if he visited my teammates. “I’ve seen Janne Happonen yesterday morning in his flat. He is shocked and it’s hard to say how he will recover. Harri is still here. His arm is broken but it’s not too bad as I understood. The problem is that he is so shocked that he is in the psychology department. He talks to nobody and he is quite violent. He also refuses to eat. Ville is here too. He is in a coma. I don’t know more.” “And Janne?” I asked. The coach looked at his hands on his tights. “He is not here anymore.” I raised my chest and looked at him. “What do you mean?” After a long silence he breathed and announced: “He died in the accident but he didn’t suffer.” It was like a slap in my face. “What? And how do you know that he didn’t suffer? We were projected in all directions. We all were injured and I can tell you that it’s very painful and you are telling me that he didn’t suffer!” I added with energy. “It’s what the doctors told me. He was already gone when the ambulance arrived.” Suddenly I understood what happened. His seat belt was not fastened and he was ejected outside by a broken window and the bus crushed his body. “Oh no! It’s a horrible death! How can they say that he didn’t suffer! The bus broke his bones!!!” I explained while I cried. My view was blurred because of the tears. He wanted to hug me but I pushed him back.

When I was alone again I took a book and read the first pages. I was unable to concentrate on the story. I closed it and looked at the window. Oh yes, the wall. I almost forgot the wonderful landscape that I had. In the early afternoon my favorite nurse arrived with towels and hot water. “Hello,” I said. “I’m Matti. Don’t call me Mr. Hautamäki. Just Matti. What is your name?” I asked. “I’m Marjaana. I’m going to… to wash your body.” She seemed to be embarrassed after my introduction. Perhaps I had been too direct. “You know, when you are in my room I feel a bit better. I forget my pain. But when it’s your colleague, the Russian looking girl…” “Sirkka,” she interrupted. “Yes, Sirkka I feel like dying. You are more human. For her I have the impression to be a number like in the prisons. Do I talk too much?” I asked. “No, no. I prefer when you are talking. It means that you are more positive and you don’t keep your feelings for yourself.” She was right. While I talked I didn’t think of the accident or my injuries. It was a good therapy. “May I ask you some personal questions?” “Depends,” she said while she was washing my back. “Where do you live? Here in Mikkeli?” “Yes, I live in a small flat with another girl that is studying at the university. But I come from Kuopio.” “Great! I live in Kuopio. Why did you move here?” I asked. “Well… after my studies I was looking for a trainee. And my boyfriend lived here. It’s why I moved. But now we are separated and I’m still here. The colleagues are great and I like this hospital,” she told. “Since when do you work here?” She looked at the ceiling to remember the date and I looked at her eyes. “Actually four years. No, six if I add my two years of trainee.” With these data I estimated her age around 28 years old. When she finished cleaning my legs she looked at me. “Do you want to clean your… you know… yourself?” “Yes, my hands are still valid,” I said with a smile. “May I ask you a service? Can you check in which rooms are my teammates? You don’t need to hide the truth. Now I know what happened to them. And can you also check if Janne Ahonen is still at the morgue.” I had the impression to enumerate my shopping list. She accepted and quitted the room.

She was back less than thirty minutes later. She gave me a paper with all what I asked. “Is it possible to visit them?” “I will ask the doctor if you can leave your bed,” she answered. “Thanks.” I took again the book that Väätäinen brought and read it again from the beginning. “So, Mr Hautamäki,” said the doctor while I closed the book some minutes later. “I notice that you feel much better if you already want to go out. But don’t go too fast. We need to be sure that your back is okay before you move.” “Can you check now? I’ve a friend to visit,” I justified. He smiled and turned me on the side. He pressed on some parts and I had to say what I felt. “Do I pass the test?” I asked very curious. “Yes, Marjaana will help you and drive you for that first ride,” he explained and I was satisfied. Some minutes later, she came back with a wheelchair. She pressed the button of my bed to make it as low as possible. I listened carefully at her advices and everything went well. In few minutes I was sat on the chair and my leg in plaster was in the good position. I looked around me. Since that moment I would see the world from that height. I guessed that I measured approximately 1.20m. It was like to be back in childhood. Then she pushed the chair. It was funny. I had the impression to be in a sightseeing bus.

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When we arrived in the corridor I noticed that it was calm and looked old. The walls needed some new painting. The floor was light grey. In the air I could smell the typical medicine smell common to all hospitals. Few people were walking. An old woman looked sad and had flowers in her hand. I guessed that she went to visit her husband. I didn’t know what to say in the way, so I preferred to stay silent. We took the lift that was quite wide, old and making strange noises, and went at the lower level. There, there was no natural light but it was normal because we were three floors underground. The light was light blue-green and I had the impression to be in a horror movie. It was quite scary. On the left she opened the door with the name morgue. It was the first time of my life that I entered in this kind of room. She left me in the entrance while she looked at him. There were three tables with dead bodies and one was empty. I thrilled. “He is here,” she said while she came back. She stopped the wheelchair closed to the table where he was laid. A white sheet was covering his body until his neck. His skin was very light. Almost light blue. But it was maybe because of the light. He had only few abrasions on his cheeks. His lips and eyelids were a bit darker. His hair was unbrushed. There was no movement, no breathing, nothing. Nevertheless he looked peaceful. Suddenly the tears ran out and I cried silently. I was realizing that he was really deceased. I stayed there maybe ten minutes and I didn’t pronounce a word. “It’s time to go,” Marjaana said. “I’ll miss you, Janne. I lost my best ski jumping friend… no… my best friend. But I hope that you are happy where you are now. Goodbye Janne.” I kissed my fingers and touched his forehead that was cold.

I spent the rest of the afternoon in my bed. After the visit underground I didn’t feel good. Life was unfair. Why was he dead and not me? I mean I’m a simple single without real friends, a bad jumper and without working skills. There was no future for me. Janne at the opposite had a family with two lovely children, a business, and good friends and was a fucking great jumper. I was also thinking of his family. How did they react when they got the news? How will life goes on? Someone knocked at the door and I was back to reality. It was my brother. “Hello Matti. I have some newspapers for you.” I thank him and he talked about his kids. I thought that it was because he noticed that I was sad. “I told them that your room was white and they did some drawings for you. I don’t know if we can fix them on the wall,” he said. It was so sweet from Kia and Luka, my nephews, that I smiled. When he was gone I caught a newspaper. But when I saw the headline, I cried again and I put it back on the night desk.

The next morning I went to visit Ville with Marjaana. I was a bit stressed because of what Väätäinen told me the previous day. When we were in the corridor close of his room, I heard a bit of a conversation between two doctors looking at radiography: “Have you seen the lesion here over the first thoracic vertebra?” “Yes, that’s pretty bad. We have to wait that he woke up before to make any conclusion.” I had a big fear in me. These words were like printed in my mind. When Marjaana opened the door I saw Ville on his bed. His eyes were closed and he had many types of equipment around him. His breathing was slow and regular. I stayed silent for long minutes. To see him like this was another slap in my face. “Hello Ville. It’s me, Matti. I’m in a room at the second floor and I came here to visit. I don’t really know what to say. Instead of saying stupidities, I’ve brought a book that Väätäinen gave me. I don’t know if you like fairy tales. It’s Wonderful Birch.” I opened the book and read.

When I was in my bed again looking at the drawings on the wall, Marjaana announced me that Janne had been transferred to Lahti and that his funerals were scheduled on Monday. I asked if I could assist but she explained that it was not possible. After a nap I went to Harri’s room. Before the nurse opened the door, she reminded my some advices. “When you enter, talked to him. Like that he will know that you’re coming and he will not be surprised. Then don’t touch him. With all the nurses and doctors he is violent. I will stay in the room with you. What else? Oh yes, he knows about the accident.” She knocked at the door and pushed me. His room was totally different from mine. It was a bit bigger and looked more like a hostel room than a medical room. The walls were light yellow and there was a flower painting hanged on the wall in front of his bed. There was a table with two chairs, a bottle of water with two glasses. I guessed that he was eating there. On the table there were no flowers. The poor boy didn’t have yet a visitor. He also had a TV that he could watch from his bed or the table. He was sat on a chair looking at the window. He was luckier than me because he had the view on the yard. There were some tall trees and all the ground was covered of snow. Some children did a snowman. “Hello Harri. It’s Matti.” I said in a soft voice. I didn’t get an answer and I pushed my chair until I was next to him. “Wow! You have a nice view. From my window I can only see the wall of another building.” I slowly looked at him. His face was like a stone. He was fixing something outside and seemed to be prisoner in his inside world. I wanted to touch him but I suddenly remembered the recommendations of Marjaana. “I don’t know if you noticed it but I came with Marjaana. It’s a lovely nurse that is taking care of me. I’m very lucky. Do you want that I introduce her?” I proposed. I made a sign and she came to us. “Hello Harri,” she said with a smile. But he didn’t react. He was still in his world. I felt bad for him. “Can you let us alone five minutes?” I asked and after a hesitation she accepted. When the door was closed he looked at me. “I’m a monster, Matti. I will go to prison. I…” he said with his eyes wide opened and very dark. They were crazy eyes. “No Harri. You’re not a monster. It was just an accident. We had bad luck.” I told. “You don’t understand,” he said while he got up. “Look! I’m alive, I can walk, I can talk and in few weeks I will be able to jump again. Look what I did to you! Do you think it’s fair?” I did my best to convince him that he was not a bad guy and that it was fatality but it was like talking to a wall. He was walking in a circle with the hands on his head. Some minutes later he sat in his chair, was calm again and went back to his world. It was like if he closed a door near my face. I thought that it meant that I was not welcomed anymore. I left the room with Marjaana. I was sad for him. I could feel it in my stomach.

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“Are you in love?” my brother asked when he visited on Sunday afternoon. “No… I’ don’t think so. Why?” “Because as I know you since you were born, you should be depressed, saying bad words, telling me to let you alone and so on. But you are positive and in very good mood after such an accident. Tell me. What’s her name?” I was mute. I didn’t know what to answer because I didn’t know what I really felt. “I’m talking with one of the nurses but nothing else. She does her job,” I explained. My brother was laughing and suggested that I had to listen to my heart. “I talked to the doctors and asked if you can be transferred to Kuopio. It will be easier for me and the rest of the family,” he changed the subject of the discussion. “Already?” I said. “Why do you want to stay here? For the nurse?” he asked. “No, for my teammates,” I explained. “They will also be transferred in their hometowns. They will not stay here for weeks. Come on Matti. Be realistic. And Mom told me that she will come from Oulu to take care of you and help Kaisa at home. It’s kind from her, isn’t it?” I just approved but was lost in my thoughts. When he left, I stayed quiet and tried to think of my feelings. I was so confused. Was it really love or friendship or just someone with whom I liked to talk? After some minutes of thinking I left my room and went to visit Ville. When I was in the corridor I swore because I forgot the book. When I was near my room I heard the sound of a TV. I listened carefully and went to the end of the corridor. In a corner there was a sofa, a table, a bookshelf, some plants and the TV. An old man was sat with a cup of coffee. He was watching at the news. When they showed some images of Janne to announce his funerals I felt the tears coming in my eyes. “Oh again! Enough of these ski jumpers. I want ice hockey news,” the old man grumbled to the TV. “How can you… I mean, it’s terrible what happened to them,” I said with emotion in my voice. “I’m bored. All the channels are talking about it since a week. I want fresh news.” I was so shocked and sad that I went back to my room.

It’s only the next morning that I went to Ville. When I opened the door I had the great surprise to see that his eyes were opened. I smiled and came closer. “Oh Ville! You’re awake now. I’m so happy.” But he didn’t say a word. I was perplexed. “I have the book with me. Do you want that I continue the reading?” His eyes were moving like if he wanted to tell something. “You don’t like the story?” I asked shyly. His eyes moved again. He seemed to be scared like if someone was behind me with a knife. I turned but there was nobody. “What’s going on? Do you want something? Can you tell me something?” His eyes were still moving strangely. I didn’t know what to do. I opened the book and read. After each paragraph, I looked at him. I thought that he noticed that I was in a panic. I was imagining all kinds of possible problems. When I finished the chapter, I closed the book and left the room. In the corridor I asked a doctor about Ville’s health. Luckily I was sat. I got another big slap in my face. Ville couldn’t move at all. Just his eyes. How was it possible? “And what will you do? How will he spend the rest of his life?” I asked worried. “There is a new machine that is capable to translate the eyes movements and we can understand what he is talking about. It’s a big progress in science,” he explained but I was not convinced. “Great… but it means that someone will have to take care of him all the time: to feed him, to wash him, to help him to wear clothes and so on. Is it a life? Have you thought about it? And for the person that will be forced to assist him?” I asked quite angry but he was sure that he would have a good life.

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Outside it was grey and snowing. The perfect weather to depress even more. I was on my bed hating the whole word, many people and God. I thought that at the same moment in Lahti, many people were crying at Janne’s funerals. I imagined them in their dark clothes listening to the priest telling the story of his life. Probably that some journalists were invited to shoot that historical moment. Maybe they were also looking for a strange behavior or bad words from someone. They were certainly disappointed that Harri Olli was not there. I wonder if some jumpers were there. It was possible because there was no competition. I closed my eyes and slept almost all the rest of the afternoon. At 5 o’clock a nurse bought the dinner. She was so unfriendly that she didn’t say a word and slammed the door. Half an hour later Marjaana was there and looked at my trail. “What’s up, Matti?” she kindly asked. “I don’t know… I’m sad… just thinking of my teammates. The funerals… Ville… Harri…” I said between two tears. “You have to eat to recover. Your friends will not be better if you destroy yourself. Please eat something,” she insisted while she touched my hair. Finally I accepted and ate a little bit.

Before to sleep I decided to visit Harri alone. I was not afraid by him. I knew that he was a good guy and will never hit me. I knocked at the door and entered. He was sat on his chair, looking at the TV. “Hello Harri. What’s new?” I asked. As an answer he just raised his shoulders. “Have you seen the funerals at TV? There were a lot of people. He was loved. Not like me.” Again I did my best to tell him that he was not bad. “Today I went to the psychologist and I tried to kill him with scissors. He didn’t want to listen to me. I told about the games in the bus and the beers.” “I understand but it’s not good to try to kill people.” “Have you seen Ville? He will stay like that all his life and it my fault,” he said. “No, it’s not your fault.” “Yes! My seat belt was not fastened and I was moving in all directions. At a moment I was ejected in the front and I hit his neck! Do you understand! I almost broke his neck! And I’m safe! He saved me! If he was not there I would be dead like Janne!” he shouted and screamed. He got up and broke the mirror in the bathroom. “I’m a monster!!!!” He screamed while he caught a large piece of mirror and approached it dangerously from his throat. “No Harri. Don’t do that!” I shouted, out of breathe. Suddenly a doctor and two nurses arrived to make him calmer and to stop his bad intension. The piece of mirror broke on the floor. He was screaming but then the silence was back. They carried him to the bed and I was kindly requested to go back to mine.

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I had a bad night. I woke up almost every hour. I was thinking of Harri and Ville. In the morning I was silent and talked to nobody. I also didn’t eat my breakfast. My doctor was worrying and asked some questions to know if I was depressing. The result was that I had to eat 3 more pills per day. Fantastic… Just before 10 o’clock, Marjaana arrived with an apple and a tea. “Good morning Matti. How are you?” “I’m… I don’t really know. I visited Ville and Harri yesterday and… and they are so different… I mean… Ville is like dead and it’s hard to be next to him without crying. I feel bad for him. And Harri… he thinks that he is a murderer. He almost killed himself in front of me. I was unable to move. Maybe it was the fear. Luckily someone came. I’m still thinking that what happened is partly my fault.” She comforted as she could and I felt a bit better. I’ve to admit that I liked when she was with me. There, she was like a mother for me.

In the afternoon when I was alone, I sat in my chair and went to Ville’s room. “Hello Ville, it’s Matti again. Are you ready to listen to the end of the tale?” His eyes moved like if he was approving. Some minutes later I closed the book and looked at my friend. He noticed that my face expression changed. “Ville, last night I thought a lot. About you. I hope that you will forgive me. The doctors said that you will never recover. And as a good friend I cannot accept it. You will never be happy again, you will never sing again or even just talk, visit friends, go in holiday, and drink beers in a bar and so on. No more concerts. No more ice creams at the beach looking at girls in bikini. No more sex. Is it a life? In a sense I think that Janne had luck in the accident. He died quickly and didn’t suffer too much.” I breathed deeply and erased a tear on my cheek. I took the pillow that was on the visitor’s chair and put it on my legs. I pressed the button to have his bed at an appropriate height for me. “I’m sorry, Ville. But I do it because I love you,” I said in a low voice. I kissed his cheek softly. “Goodbye Ville. Forgive me. Forgive me,” I repeated in a very low voice while I pressed the pillow on his face. When it was finished I cried. I just did the worst act in my whole life. But I did it to help a friend. “Rest in peace my dear friend.” I raised the bed in its initial position and put the pillow back on the chair. I left the room before someone heard at the sound of the monitors.

I had the impression to be dead as the same moment as Ville. I was a criminal but in the meantime I knew that he didn’t suffer anymore and was maybe talking with Janne. “Ville, if you can hear me, I hope that you understand and will forgive me.” Some seconds later, my brother entered in the room. “Hello brother! I have good news for you.” “Really?” I answered with a forced smile. “Yes, you are transferred to Kuopio and you will be perhaps at home for the weekend! Great news, isn’t it?” he exclaimed with a wide smile. “Yes… that’s great.” “Why do you look unhappy? What’s wrong?” “My teammates…” “Forget them. They will recover in their families and we will visit them someday. Let’s get ready.” “What? Now?” I asked surprised. “Yes, now. I’m so excited to have you closer.” “I’ve to see Harri,” I said. “We don’t have time. Let’s go.” I had no choice. My brother and the doctors had planned my transfer and I couldn’t delay it. I was very sad because I hadn’t the possibility to say goodbye to Marjaana.

In the minibus I was quiet, just looking at the landscape. “What’s up?” “I hate you,” I answered to my brother. “Oh come on. You should be happy.” “Happy? Have you talked to me to ask if I was ready to move today? I wanted to tell to Harri that I was leaving and also to Marjaana. It’s unfair.” “Your fatty little nurse?” I was so angry that I answered with fury: “I forbid you to talk about her in these words. She’s a lovely person and you don’t know her. The appearance is not important. It’s what the person has in its heart. You… shut up.” When we arrived in Kuopio I was moved to a recovering clinic. I had a room for myself with a nice view to the terrace and the frozen lake. On the table there were some flowers, a chocolate box and a card. “You have a beautiful room! I’m sure that you will recover very soon,” estimated Jussi. “Tomorrow I’ll come with Kaisa and the kids.” When I was alone I cried for long minutes. I cried for Ville and Marjaana. My heart was broken. I regretted to have never listened to my heart like my brother suggested. There I realized how I missed her. On my night desk I discovered many cards from relatives, friends, jumpers, sponsors and fans. I was surprised to read how they were touched by my situation and how they loved me even if I doubted about the sincerity of some of them. When a nurse brought a trail with a cup of tea and cookies I asked if I could have a sheet, an envelope and a pen. My handwriting was unsure like my feelings. My letter was a bit messy and I hoped that it was understandable. “Can you write the address of the hospital of Mikkeli?” I asked to the nurse. “Sure. Do you have a family name to add?” I explained that I didn’t know it.

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My brother arrived just after the morning shower. His face was serious and sad and he was alone. “You’re already here? Where is your family?” “Matti, I’ve bad news,” he said. I fixed him, waiting for the announcement. “Ville is dead.” I swallowed my saliva and coughed. “How... how is he dead?” I asked in a low voice. Jussi sat on a chair to be at the same height as me. “He had a heart attack,” he answered. “Oh Matti! That’s terrible,” he said while he hugged me. And we cried together. Some minutes later we talked about the funerals. Ville lived in Kuopio and we hope that I could assist. But in my heart I felt guilty. I was a murderer. “Harri knows about it?” “I don’t know. But I guess yes,” my brother said.

Two days later I had a new visit. “Hello Matti.” I immediately recognized the voice and smiled. “Hello Marjaana. I’m so happy that you got my letter.” She brought me some books and we talked about life. She told me that she was not sure to still want to work in Mikkeli. She missed her family. She also admitted that she missed me. We laughed about our first conversation when she was washing my body. I told her that when I would left that clinic I would not be able to live in my flat because it was too small and not very accessible with a wheelchair. I also admitted that I was messy, a bad cook and I hated to do the cleaning. I told that my brother modified his house for me. I was lucky but I also didn’t thought it was a good idea to live there. My fear was that they separated because of me. “Oh no, you’re so lovely,” she said but I explained that when I was in a bad mood not many people were able to support me. I had to find quite soon a new place to live.

On Friday there were the funerals of Ville and I was allowed to go. The church was almost full. His family was there, of course, some friends and some people from the ski jumping world. I was happy to see that there were not only Finns. I saw Andreas Goldberger, Adam Malysz, Emmanuel Chedal and Anders Jacobsen. From my height, it was not easy to recognize people. There were all in dark clothes and my eyes were looking at their bottoms. “Hello Matti. Nice to see you here.” I raised my head and saw Janne Happonen. “Hi. How are you?” I asked. “Sad, like everybody here. I hope that it’s the last funerals. Anyway. I’m quite lucky. I’ve no injury. But I don’t know if I will jump again.” Then many people asked me the same questions. During the ceremony I was sat in the corridor in the middle of the two rows at the fifth line. I didn’t like it because I had the impression that many people were looking at me. The coffin was less than ten meters in front of me. It was very strange to think that my friend was in there. It was decorated with many flowers and there was a portrait in a frame. The picture was quite old. I guessed that it was when he was graduated. I wanted to say sorry but luckily I didn’t pronounce it. In the ceremony there was the official part, and then his father read a text which was very emotional. I thought that almost everybody had tears in his eyes. After a religious song, Janne Väätäinen read a text that was wonderful. Right after, the rock band of Ville, the Kroisos played a song. The singer was the Nordic Combiner Anssi Koivuranta. He didn’t have the same voice as Ville but it was not bad at all. In the middle of the song, his voice was vibrating because of the emotion. At the end we applauded. It was a wonderful ceremony.

When we were outside I saw Janne Väätäinen. He was at the phone. I waited that he ended his conversation before to come closer. He had a strange face expression and sat on the bench that was near and not covered of snow. “What’s going on?” I asked. “Oh Matti! The nightmare continues,” he told me while he took a tissue to blow his nose. “It’s Harri.” My heart was beating quicker. “What?” “He is deceased this morning.” I felt so bad that I was closed to vomit and my heart to explode. It was not possible. Not Harri. “He cut his veins,” Janne explained. We hugged and cried in silence while the others were greeting each other or walking to the reception room where tea, coffee and pastries were available.

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Part 3: The end of an era

The next morning I was in a bad mood after a bad night. Nevertheless I decided to have my breakfast in the common room. I had no intention to talk to someone but I didn’t want to stay alone in my room. A young boy was sat alone at a table I asked if I could come because I didn’t want to be near old ladies. They talked too much. During the first minutes we ate in silence. He was doing a sudoku in the newspaper that I wanted to read. I looked outside and noticed that it was sunny. The first day since a while. I was also thinking that Harri couldn’t see the sun anymore. I felt guilty. Harri was dead because I killed Ville. Why didn’t I insist to visit him a last time before my departure? “You want the newspaper?” the teenager said looking at me. “Yes.” “Are you Matti Haut..?” “Maybe. Why?” I answered already bored. “Because you look like the guy in the newspaper.” There was a photo of me in the newspaper! In which honor? I was not dead. I turned the paper to look at the headline. There were a photo of Janne, Harri, Havu and me and a smaller from Ville. After have used the words “Tragedy”, “Catastrophe”, “Disaster”, “Horror”, the title was well chosen. “Finnish ski jumping: the end of an era”. In the text they said that it will be difficult for Finland to have a solid team after the accident. The team lost three of its four best jumpers and it was not sure that Janne Happonen wanted to continue his career. I was happy to read that for the journalist that wrote the article I was not just a jumper but a world cup winner and the first guy to jump over 230m. The text was very well done because it was not only about Ahonen and there were some analysis about the future. Who will be the leader? Ville Larinto or Kalle Keituri if Havu stop? It didn’t matter for me. Ski jumping was part of the past. Perhaps I would watch some competitions at TV but nothing else.

In that clinic I learnt how to live with my handicap and that it was not the end of the world. I was able to do a lot of things. I learnt to take a shower alone and I had to pass some tests for the driving of the wheelchair. Yes, I know. It sounds funny but it was not so easy. But with a bit of practice I was quite good. Of course I swore a lot. My family came to visit quite often. Few members of the Puijo Ski club visited and even less from the other clubs or countries. During a couple of weeks I got some letters. But one month and a half after the accident I had the impression that everybody forgot. Every two or three days I had the visit of my dear Marjaana. I loved when she came.

It was a Wednesday. The weather was not so bad. The ice on the lake was almost gone. The snow was falling from the trees and the roofs of houses. Spring was coming. I was in my room, packing my belongings. It was my last day there. “Hello brother! Are you ready?” Jussi asked while he opened the door followed by Kaisa. “Hello. I’m almost ready,” I answered before to close my bag. I was happy to leave that clinic. It was like a prison for me. During the trip in car they were telling that the whole family was happy that I could finally live in a house. When we arrived I noticed that my brother, who is a carpenter, built a ramp over the three stairs to enter in the house. I was so touched. When we were inside, I saw that there were no more carpets. He said that he took them off so that it would be easier for me to move. Then he showed me my room that was previously his computer room. There were two wardrobes no higher than 1.30m, a bed not too high, a large window, a mirror at the right height and a little table. “Jussi…” I couldn’t find the right words to express how happy I was.

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Marjaana moved to Kuopio few weeks later and visited me as soon as she could. At the beginning of May we kissed for the first time under a tree near the lake by a beautiful weather. It was the beginning of our love story. At the end of summer I got a job. I was employed by the police. My mission was to explain the danger on the roads to children and students. I had to repeat them the simple rules such as fastening the seat belts even if the trip is short or to don’t talk too much to disturb the driver. During my first lesson I was stressed and my voice was a bit shaking but when I noticed that the children were listening at me like if I was Santa Claus I felt better. When I was with older children it was funny when they recognize me. I was still a bit famous! At the end of November there was the Nordic Opening in Kuusamo. It was strange to follow the competition at TV. It reminded me my young years before to integrate the national team. Finally Janne Happonen decided to continue his career but Janne Väätäinen gave the leadership to someone else. Before Christmas I moved to a little house near the lake with Marjaana. I love my brother and his family but I needed some privacy and I didn’t need as much help as during the first months. The house was closer to Kuopio with a bus stop at the end of the street. It was much easier for me to go to work without calling a taxi or asking someone to drive me. We bought that little house in summer and my brother transformed the inside for me. It was just the perfect house. For example I had to press a button in the kitchen and all the furniture moved down at my height. It was fantastic. And also I had no excuses to don’t prepare the dinner. On February 14th I asked if she wanted to marry me. She had a wide smile, said “yes!”, jumped in my arms and kissed. We were the happiest couple in the world. On March 9th I felt really bad. The accident happened exactly a year ago and in my head I was living it again. I spent a big part of my day in my bed, crying like a baby. Marjaana was there and did her best to support me but it was impossible. At 10:30 I lighted a candle. The bus was crashed and Janne was dead. In the afternoon we went to the cemetery to visit Ville. Some flowers were next to the gravestone. At least someone else remembered. The following week, we travelled to Lahti and Rovaniemi to visit Janne and Harri. At the end of April Marjaana told me that she was pregnant. It was the best news I ever heard. It was fantastic. I would be father! On June 17th we got married. It was a wonderful wedding with all the people that we like in a beautiful church. On January 21st Aino Aurora was born. A lovely little girl with dark hair. Two years later she got a little brother named Tuomas. We were so happy.

A new era was beginning for me. And that one had nothing to do with the previous one. Now I was happy, I loved my life and I was loved.

The end

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