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So, here is my new fiction. If you liked "The End of an Era" you will probably like this one.

This is my first psycho fiction and I hope that you will like it. It's not suitable for depressive people!

Everything is invented by my crazy brain

Enjoy the reading and welcome in my fantasy world!

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Part 1: Dangerous Game

After my second jump that was as bad as the first one, I saw that the spectators were leaving the stadium. Was it because of me? Maybe. The situation was quite funny and I smiled. But it was also because of my teammates that were worse than me. The reporters wanted that I gave an explanation to the public. We were bad. I had nothing more to add. Wasn’t it their job to find answers to impossible questions? And they looked also quite disappointed that I didn’t say something bad about the jury or the coach. Why to make them happy after each failure?

At the top of the hill I saw my teammate Matti Hautamäki walking alone, lost in his thoughts, looking at the ground. Maybe he wanted to look at the flower ceremony? I smiled and went directly to our little house where our serviceman waxed our skis. “Sorry Ville. It wasn’t better. Your wax is like glue. I have no speed in the inrun. You should steal the wax of the Austrians.” He looked at me like if I was accusing. It was just a suggestion because we had experimented technical problems during the whole season and it looked that we would not find the solution in a short time. “And you, you should always jump at 100% even if it’s impossible to reach the podium. You were 7th of the first round. What the Hell have you done to finish 13th?” he asked disgusted. “What is the difference between the 7th and the 13th rank? Both are bad.” He didn’t answer and closed his box in which he stored his waxes and other materials. When my suit was packed I sat and opened a backpack. “Relax, guys. Who wants a beer?” I proposed. Kalle Keituri and Ville Larinto refused but not the two Janne. Ville was angry and didn’t seem to want to have anything to do with me. “Where’s Matti?” Ville Kantee asked like a mum duck that lost one of his babies. “He spies the Austrians,” I joked. “I don’t know. He left about ten minutes ago,” Kalle said.

When the door opened, I took a can of beer and opened it. “Take a beer to forget that shitty competition.” “Thanks,” Matti answered like if he was surprised. As often his face looked serious. Almost sulking. I didn’t know when that guy smiled for the last time, but it was many years ago. Ville was cleaning while we drank our beers and asked to get some help. “I’m not a woman and I was the best today. So, no cleaning for me, “I laughed. Nobody else gave a reason to don’t do it. They were probably thinking that I was a horrible person. But I didn’t care. Finally Matti took a trash bag and cleaned. I guessed that it was the first time of the year that he was cleaning. Did he feel guilty? He was usually so messy. Once I shared a hotel room with him and we needed two hours to pack the last day because all the clothes were mixed and scattered everywhere. And it was a big drama when he was unable to found his toothbrush that was fallen in the trash bin.

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Suddenly the door opened and the cold wind entered. „I just wanted to tell you that before you leave you can come this evening to my flat. I’ve invited some friends and we’ll have a party. Larinto, Veli-Matti, Juha-Matti and Sami are coming,“ explained Kimmo Yliriesto with enthusiasm in the voice. „That can be fun!“ I immediately answered. „Oh, oh, oh,“ calmed Ville, like the mum duck. „The bus leaves at 6 tomorrow morning and I need valid jumpers in the qualification.“ I laughed. „We will go to bed early, Daddy. Don’t worry,“ I said with humor. But Ville looked very angry and didn’t answer. He didn’t have the same sense of humor than me. „I’m not coming. I go home to play with my kids and spend the night with my wife. Sorry. Maybe after the season,“ Janne Ahonen said. I was certain. Pfff that guy never spent time with his teammates. Only when he didn’t have the choice. But it was better so. He was not funny and he would have ruined the party. „I will come to have a drink and say hello to your guests,“ Janne Happonen answered. Kalle Keituri refused. He had dinner with his family. And I understood his decision. Since a couple of years he was living in Germany and he met his family only few times per year. „And you?“ Kimmo said, looking at Matti. „Well… I don’t know.“ „Come on. We will have fun. I have a Wii and we can sing karaoke.“ Matti smiled. Yes, he smiled! I could see that he wanted to come but didn’t dare to accept. „No, thanks. I will stay at the hotel,“ he finally answered. Oh poor Matti. You are getting old. You don’t know anymore what to have fun means.

Our head coach Janne Väätäinen advised to go to bed at 10pm. I smiled. Nobody expect maybe Matti and Ahonen would go to bed so early. Of course we all said that we would respect it and be at 6am in the reception of the hotel to start the long journey to Kuopio. That meeting schedule was important. If any of us was late I didn’t know if the others would wait. The main reason was that there was a train going from Lahti to Kuopio. But to travel with fans was not an option.

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Janne and Matti left the group. They didn’t tell where they were going but I guessed at Janne’s home. We sat in the minibus that drove us to the hotel in town. “What are you doing now?” I asked to Janne Happonen that planned to go later to the party. “I will take a shower and eat at the restaurant of the hotel. What about you?” he asked. “I will go to the sauna first.” “Good idea!” he exclaimed. “Can I join?” “Sure,” I accepted.


It was so good to relax in a hot sauna with a friend after a so cold and bad day. I threw some water on the hot stones and a very hot cloud of vapor caressed our skins. “Harri? May I ask you why you don’t like Matti and Janne?” he asked with curiosity. His dark hair was already wet and he had plenty of sweat drops on his skin. I looked at the thermometer and noticed that it was a very hot sauna: 93°C. “For different reasons. Janne, it’s because I know what he is doing with the coaches. He changes the entire training program to fit for him and to reach his goals. He is an individualist, not a team player and selfish. He doesn’t think of others. And because he brings sponsors, nobody dares to say something. But I yes, and I look like the bad guy for everybody: the media, the direction of the federation, the sponsors, and so on. But I guess that my action is right, isn’t it?” “Yes, you’re right. But what can we do to change it?” he asked. “I think that he has to leave the team and creates his own or to retire at the end of the season. I’m quite sure that even if we change trainer, he will act the same. But I will not give up. I’m fighting for all the jumpers, not only for me.” I explained. “But it’s a dangerous game. I mean that you can be definitively banned of the team,” he said a bit worry. “Don’t worry. They won’t. Look in the past. They had several opportunities to do it and they didn’t do it,” I said giving a wink. After a small break, we were back in the hotness. “And Matti, it’s because he has nothing to say. He is like dead. He is old and could use his experience to change our situation. But he seems to don’t care of it. This winter he is very moody. Maybe it’s because he knows that his best years are behind him,” I explained.

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We went to Kimmo’s flat after dinner around 9pm. There were already a lot of people and they had fun. In the entrance there was a huge amount of shoes. Havu and I added ours to the mountain. Kimmo offered a beer and we went to the living room. The music was loud. Veli-Matti Lindström and two blond sexy girls were singing karaoke. They were quite good. In the kitchen, Juha-Matti Ruuskanen was preparing a cocktail in a big bowl with all what he found in the fridge: vodka, orange juice, apple juice, rum, lemonade and so on. I sat on a chair and looked that performance of the singers. Then Ville Larinto was singing with his girlfriend. That was very painful for my ears but it was so funny. We were all laughing. “The party officially starts now!” screamed Juha-Matti arriving with his bowl.


Later in the evening there was so much noise that a neighbor knocked at the door. Kimmo promised that we would be more silent. But just for… ten minutes! When I finished my beer – third one? Forth? Fifth?– Kimmo arrived with a tray. There were little glasses and he filled the glasses with vodka and distributed one per person. “Thanks everybody for coming! Enjoy the party!” My head was hurting. I had to make a choice. Or to stop drinking and go back to the hotel or to continue. Hard choice. It was so nice there. “Give me more,” I ordered to Kimmo. After that glass I felt much better. The headache was almost gone. My body was moving following the rhythm of the music and I was laughing like a kid. Then it was my turn to sing. I was not very good at that but it was funny. I couldn’t read the lyrics even if his TV was wide. It was written so small and why were the words moving on the screen? I guessed that my performance was quite okay. Everybody was laughing and applauding.

“I go to the hotel now,” Janne Happonen said while he got up of the sofa. “Already? You don’t want to stay more? Now we will play with the Wii,” Kimmo explained with a wide smile. Janne was embarrassed. He wanted to stay but he also was someone reasonable. “It’s very kind. Thanks for the invitation but it’s already 2am. Tomorrow we have to jump. Harri, do you come with me?” He asked. “What? Now? I’m not sleepy. And I want to play with the Wii,” I said while I finished my cider.

“Oh my God! It’s 5:55,” Kimmo told me. I yawned and looked at the clock on the wall. I was so sleepy. “Oh shit… I have to go to the hotel.” Kimmo went to his kitchen and took a pack of energy drinks. “With that you should be able to go to the hotel. Then you can sleep in the bus.” I thank him and drank three cans. I saw that Veli-Matti was sleeping on the sofa with Juha-Matti and two girls. There was a huge quantity of empty bottle on the table and on the floor. Kimmo would have a lot to do to clean the whole flat. Then I wore my shoes, hat and jacket and walked to the hotel. Luckily it was not too far away. There was some fresh snow and it was not easy to walk. I was freezing. The sky was still dark and there was no noise. I couldn’t feel anymore if I was sleepy or not. On the main street I saw the minibus of the Japanese team going in direction of the highway. I was stressed and hoped that my team was waiting.

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In front of the hotel I saw the minibus. “Eh! I’m here!” I screamed. I didn’t want that they leave without me. I was late. It was maybe 6:30. “Finally,” Ville Kantee said, angry, with the hands on his hips. “I was…” “I don’t want to know! You don’t respect the rules as usually. You must be happy that Väätäinen is already gone. If I was the coach I… Anyway. Now sit in the bus and stay quiet,” he almost shouted. In the background I saw a very little smile on the face of Ahonen. I didn’t like it. Maybe he won a battle but not the war. I would not give up so easily.

I sat in the middle row next to Havu. Matti was at the back alone. Ville was driving and Ahonen was next to him. When we were on the highway I took my phone and listened to music. I closed my eyes and relaxed. Nobody was talking. I could feel the movements of the bus. It seemed that there was ice under the snow. The bus was moving like a boat. My stomach was painful. I put my hand on it and tried to don’t think of it. But it was like if I had bubbles inside. I felt bad. Suddenly it was coming. “Stop the bus! Stop Ville!” I almost screamed. I unfastened my seatbelt, opened the door, jumped outside and vomited in the dirty snow. Some cars seemed to slow down. What did they expect? There was no show. Stupid people. When I was back in the bus my best enemy gave me a tissue. “You have something near your mouth,” he indicated. “Thanks. I feel much better now. Don’t have a bad opinion about myself. I didn’t drink that much yesterday evening. It’s more because of the driving. I only drank a couple of beers, some sangria and cider,” I explained but they didn’t seem to believe me. “Yeah plus the three glasses of vodka,” betrayed Happonen. “What! But you are crazy! You know that there is this long trip in bus and you are very often sick and you consciously drank so much alcohol!” said Ville quite shocked of my behavior. “I’m fine and you will see at the hill, I’ll jump well,” I added. “I hope so! I will tell everything to Väätäinen and he will ban you forever!” he said very angry. I didn’t continue the conversation because it was insane. I looked behind me. “Oh Matti is reading a book! I’ve to take a picture!” I exclaimed while I caught my phone. “Fuck off Harri. It’s not my fault if you can’t read,” he told me quite angry. “I’m more intelligent that you all here,” I added. And it was the truth. I was the only one to study at the university. “Maybe to solve mathematic problems but nothing else,” he concluded before to close his book and his eyes. It was really not possible to talk with him. And he had no sense of humor. Poor guy. He should go to a psychologist. But I guessed that he was afraid to be sent to an asylum.

“I bet 50€ that I’ll be again the best of us in Kuopio,” I said to my teammates, an hour after our departure. “50€? You seem to be very confident. I bet that you will land right after the take off at… let’s say 70m,” Ahonen bet. It was really too hard for him to accept that he was not anymore the best jumper of the team. I unlocked my seat belt and got up. “No! Because here, the King Eagle, it’s me!” “You are the king of nothing! You never won a title,” Ahonen argued, very angry. He was offended that I used his nickname for myself. “There is only one king here and it’s me. Look at my career compared to yours.” “But you are old and I’m young. At your age I’ll be four times Olympic champion,” I speculated a bit but I was quite sure to be right. After ten minutes Matti, yes Matti, interrupted our quarrel. “You are the kings of nothing expect maybe of stupidity! You,” he said to me, “you only won a couple of World Cups and a silver medal in the World Championships. What’s that? It’s nothing. In five years everybody will forget you. Or maybe they will remember you as clone of drunken Matti Nykänen and the biggest troublemaker of the world. And you,” he continued looking at Janne Ahonen, “you’ve been to Olympics five times and unable to get a single individual medal. You’re nothing. You’re just the toy of the media,” he ended pissed off. When he stopped talking there was a huge silence in the bus. Suddenly I laughed. “Listen to Mr. High and Mighty! I’m the biggest troublemaker! And what about you? You’re in World Cup since the prehistoric era and you never won a title either.” “Maybe. But I’m not annoying my teammates saying that I’m a king. I’m just a jumper and that’s all. I’m bored of your quarrels. Maybe you should fight a day or one of you should leave the team or die. I don’t know.” “Oh my God. I think that you must stop drinking or start immediately,” I added. It was just unbelievable. He never talked and suddenly he wanted to give us a lesson of life.

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After half an hour Janne Happonen proposed: “Who wants a beer?” Ville was angry again but said nothing. It was funny to see his face in the mirror. I took a can and the two Janne also. Of course, Matti refused. The minibus jumped and Havu had some foam on his shirt and I laughed. Janne Ahonen opened a bit his window and lighted a cigarette. “Brrr close the window! I’m cold!” I protested. “Just five minutes,” Janne said. Suddenly the temperature fall. I was freezing. I tried to catch my jacket but some beer moistened my shirt. I swore. “It’s my turn to annoy my teammates,” Janne added while he threw some ash outside. Nobody protested but none of us was happy about the cold and the bad smell. I cursed Matti for his previous expression. When the window was closed again I and Havu talked about the party. It was funny to notice that we didn’t remember it the same way and the same events. “The karaoke was great. I don’t like to sing but after some beers and with friends it’s funny,” I told with a wide smile. I remembered how the others appreciated. I unfastened my seat belt, got up and started to sing. “Oh please shut up!” screamed Ville still looking at the road that was slippery and covered of snow. “Drink a beer Ville. You need it.” “I’m driving Harri! And as you can see it’s not easy. There is ice under the snow,” he explained like if I was a 3-years-old boy, losing his nerves. What was the problem in that team? Everybody, I meant the oldies, were angry.

After a small break Havu proposed to do a singing competition. Again, Matti protested because he said that he was a bad singer. “I’ve a better idea!” Ahonen exclaimed. Oh my God… he had an idea. “We can sing a canon. You two together and I go at the back with Matti,” he proposed. Havu and I were happy about it but not Ville and Matti. “So let’s start with a simple song. Maybe Gimme Gimme Gimme by ABBA,” Janne proposed. It was old fashioned but at least not to difficult to start and everybody knew that song. We were not the best singers of the world but it was not that bad. But in the background there was a strange noise. Someone was muttering. When we found the victim we all laughed. “Oh Matti! You’re inventing a new song!” Happonen exclaimed, half laughing. “I told you that I was a bad singer. What did you expect?” he asked with his arms crossed. “Okay, okay. So now, it’s your turn to choose a song,” I proposed to him. His face was quite funny. After long minutes he said: “Well... Let’s sing… Every day is Monday by the Kroisos.” “Good idea Matti!” I said. “Ville can sing with us!” I added. Surprisingly our driver started to sign and we followed. It was the first moment during that trip that we were not fighting. It was great. At the end we laughed and applauded ourselves. I thought that I never saw a smile on each of our faces at the same time since I joined the team.

We continued our singing competition but Ville was very bored and angry. But we didn’t care because he said nothing. I finished my third beer and told a joke. “What is the difference between me and a Viking?” “Not so loud Harri and I know it. It’s an old joke,” Ahonen complained. “I want to know. I don’t know it,” requested Havu. “When the Viking came home after the war, it’s when the real drinking started. But when I come home after few drinks, that’s when the war begins.” Havu laughed and added: “I understand better the mess that was in your flat last summer when you invited me! By the way, where did you sleep last night?” Happonen asked curious. “I didn’t sleep. When you left Kimmo’s flat, we played again with his Wii and when it was almost 6 o’clock, I drank three energy drinks. Then I walked to the hotel and you were kindly waiting for me,” I explained with a wide smile. “Kindly?” repeated Ville. “Oh shit, now it’s snowing harder and there is fog. Super…” he commented. “Hey guys. Who want an energy drink? I’ve two cans in my pockets,” I proposed. Nobody answered. I got up and opened a can. As you can imagine the liquid was projected in the whole bus. It was so funny. “Harri!!!!” everybody complained. Ville was so pissed off that he turned to look at us. “Now it’s enough! Here it’s not a kindergarten. So…” “Ville!!!!” screamed Havu showing the road with his finger.

Suddenly the bus left the highway, jumped on an amount of snow, flew in the air and then rolled in the snow. The bags, the jackets, the cans, everything was projected in all the directions. The windows broke and we were screaming. I couldn’t control my body. I was crashing against the seats, my teammates, the ceiling. I closed my eyes to don’t get glass in them. With my arms I tried to protect my head. Each shock was so painful. I threw away a jacket that went into my face. At that moment I saw Ahonen, the eyes wide open, telling me something but I couldn’t understand. His hand was tense in my direction like if he wanted that I helped. But I reacted too late. In less than one second he disappeared. I hit violently the ceiling with my right arm. I felt an enormous pain and I screamed. Then I was projected in the front, hit Ville’s seat and went back. Suddenly the bus stopped. No more noise, no more screams. There was a big silence. Like death.

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Part 2: Save Me

I was shaking. Was it the fear or the cold? I had no idea about it. My right arm was painful like Hell. In the bus, it was the chaos. Some tears were running out of my eyes and I couldn’t stop them. There was blood everywhere. On the ceiling, on the doors, on the jackets, on our faces. Was I the only one to survive? Oh my God don’t tell me that I killed all my teammates! “Havu… Matti… Ville… Janne….” I whispered between two tears. Suddenly I heard a bit of noise behind me. Someone was coming back to reality. “Matti!!! Matti!!! You’re alive?” I asked very anxious. His face was full of blood and he seemed to be unable to open completely his eyes. “I think yes,” he answered in a low voice. With his hand he touched softly his face. I was so shocked that I was unable to tell him that he was bleeding. I was cold and my body was shaking. “Harri? How are you?” he asked with difficulties. “My… my arm is broken and it’s so painful. I cannot move my fingers,” I explained with a shaking voice. I was holding my broken arm to avoid suffering too much. Some tears were running again on my cheeks. I looked around me and when I saw the scenery more in detail, some more tears went out. It was my fault. I knew it.


“Have you called the ambulance?” When I heard his question I felt bad. My stomach was hurting. How was it possible that I didn’t think of it? Matti put his hand in his pocket and said that his phone was broken. With my left hand I searched with energy. “I lost it. I lost it. I…”I was in a panic. My heart beats were accelerating. “Harri, Harri. It’s okay,” he calmed down. I was out of breath. Suddenly we heard a growl. “Oh my head. What happened?” said Janne Happonen that was slowly coming back to the reality. He had a bit of blood on his face but I didn’t know if it was because of the broken glass or if it was the blood of someone else. “We had an accident,” Matti announced. I felt in his voice that he was accusing. Probably me. Janne got up and looked around. Thanks God he was alright. “Ville?” he asked. “Ville, no! Don’t die! Ville!” he said with energy while he shook our driver by his shoulder. Ville had his face on the wheel and his eyes were closed. I swallowed and sit. I didn’t know what to do and I felt so guilty. How will they forgive me?

Janne was looking for a phone in the front of the bus and me at the back. I looked with energy because I knew that it was very urgent for Ville to call an ambulance and maybe for Matti too. “Harri, be careful with your broken arm. Don’t move too much,” Matti warned me. It was kind of him. “I’m sorry,” I said, looking at him while I erased another tear. “SORRY!... Mom… I want to hug my mom. I’ve to call her,” I said desperate. “I have one!” Havu exclaimed, showing a phone. “Hallo? It’s Janne Happonen, we just had an accident on the highway number 4 with a minibus. Two maybe three people are badly injured. We need your help… Where? Somewhere between Lahti and Kuopio… Harri, where are we?” Havu suddenly looked at me. “I don’t know. Mikkeli. No we passed it. I remember the lights of the city. Maybe at fifteen kilometers from Mikkeli.” Havu repeated what I said. The problem was that I was totally unsure. What would happen if it was wrong? They will not find us and we would all die… by my fault. I pressed my lips together and cried silently. “Väätä, please listened. It’s Havu we had an accident and…beeeeep.” The phone was out of battery. “Who the Hell didn’t recharge his phone?” He was so furious that he threw it against the dashboard and the phone broke. I was even sadder because it was my phone. I didn’t dare to tell him. It was certain at that moment that I couldn’t call my mother anymore. I was alone with my teammates.

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“Where is Rane?” I suddenly asked Havu. “Probably outside. Can you check? I stay here with Ville and Matti,” he said. I took a jacket and opened the door. Outside it was dark. I could see the road number 4 because of the lights on the side. The bus rolled approximately sixty meters. I walked slowly because there was so much snow that I got into it. That snow was not white or brown. It was reddish. It was also hard to breath. I guessed that it was colder than -20°C. Some meters further I saw Janne. He was laid down the snow. I went faster to him. “Janne! Janne!” I said out of breath. I sat in the snow and put his head on my knees. His red Atomic shirt looked wet. Was it because of the snow or blood? I put my jacket on his chest to warm him. He was so cold, cold like death. “Harri…” he whispered. “You’re alive! Janne don’t worry, the ambulance is coming,” I reassured. He coughed and some blood went out. “I can’t… I can’t breathe… Help me… Save me,” he implored still coughing. “I don’t know what to do. Please Janne, forgive me,” I said while I cried. It was so horrible. I was there but unable to help him. I was so cold. I was shaking. And nobody else was there to help. “Harri… tell to… to my kids…” “No Janne, don’t do that. It will be fine. The doctors will save you,” I interrupted. “Listen… tell them that I love them and… and I’ll be always with them. I’ll be… with the stars in the sky.” I was crying like a kid. I was his biggest enemy and he was sure to confide in me his last words. “I’m so sorry Janne. I never wanted that it ends like this. But please forgive me. It’s important for me. Forgive me!” I begged. I sniffed and looked at him. His eyes were closed, he stopped coughing and he didn’t move. “No! Janne!” I was crying like I never did it before.

“Harri! Harri, is it you?” someone told in English behind me. But I was unable to answer. I was crying and hugging my teammate. “Oh my God Harri! What happened? You are freezing.” It was the German Martin Schmitt. He unzipped his dark yellow, black and white jacket and put it on my shoulders. “I killed him! I killed Janne!” I said still crying. “No, no. You didn’t do it,” he reassured but I noticed that he was much paler than when he sat next to me. He put his hand in my back. It was kind from him but it was too late to help. Maybe he knew how to save Janne. With my hand I was touching his wet hair that was stacked by the blood. His skin was very cold. I saw that other people were coming. Did they want to help or to come closer to the show? It was Michael Uhrmann that went directly to the bus with Andreas Wank and Michael Neumayer. It was kind from them. I just hoped that Ville and Matti were not dead too.

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The ambulance arrived few minutes later. The blue lights were lightening the snow and I could see even more the quality of blood that we lost during the accident. I also saw that all the cars were stopped on the highway. I stayed in the snow with Martin and Janne while the first ambulance brought Ville to the hospital. At least I knew that he was not dead and that the doctors would take care of him. Then it was Matti’s turn. I was still unable to get up. Some people were trying to approach from the right but I hide Janne’s face in my German jacket. I wouldn’t that these jackals took a picture.


When it was my turn I stay quiet. I said absolutely nothing during the trip and also when we arrived at the hospital. I was lost in my thoughts, thinking of what happened and the last words of Janne. The doctors were talking to me but their voices were so far away that I couldn’t understand. A nurse that seemed to be experimented made a plaster to my broken right arm.

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When I was in my room at the hospital of Mikkeli I laid down in the bed and looked at the yard by the window. What have I done? I was a monster. I killed one person and injured three others. Two would maybe not survive. Finally I fall asleep and only woke up around 3pm. I sat on my bed and looked around me. I had a small table with two chairs, two glasses – why two? – and a bottle of water. I also had a TV. The walls were light yellow. I hated that color. It reminded me the primary school in Rovaniemi with a very bad old teacher. In front of my bed there was a flower painting. I didn’t like this kind of art. It was for old people. Not for me.


Less than ten minutes later I had a visitor. It was our head coach Janne Väätäinen. He looked quite pale and stressed. He was wearing his black Rukka clothes that suited perfectly with the situation. He smiled when he saw that I was looking at him but it was a forced smile.”Hello Harri. How are you?” he asked in a low voice. He took a chair and sat next to my bed. “I bought some Sudoku games for you. Master level. I hope that you will have a bit of pleasure to complete the grids,” he breathed deeply and looked through the window. “I’m very sorry for what happened. I hope that you will recover. I’d like that you know that you are welcome in the team. At any time.” I was looking at him but I stayed mute. He seemed to don’t feel comfortable in that silence. I guessed that he didn’t dare to tell me something. Maybe that I killed Ville or Matti or both. “At the hill, everybody is under shock. They are all thinking of you. The qualification has been cancelled. I don’t know about the competition of tomorrow. Kalle and Olli are at the hotel. They were too shocked to come to visit. Please Harri, say something,” he begged. I pressed my lips together. I was unable to pronounce a word. In my head I was still hearing the screams. My heart beats were accelerating. My breathing too. “Are you okay? May I help you?” he was worried. Suddenly I cried. He got up and hugged me.


When I was calm again I dried my tears with my shirt. “Tell me the truth. What have I done?” I asked in a low voice. “You did nothing, Harri. It’s not your fault. It was an accident.” He noticed that I was becoming angry. My fist was gripping the bed sheet. He looked nervous. Was he afraid of me? “Well…” he continued. “Havu is quite okay. This evening he will go home. He is under shock. Matti and Ville are badly injured. I don’t know much at the moment. Matti woke up half an hour ago but not Ville. And Janne…you know,” he explained with emotion. “Did they take a picture?” I asked. “Who? Of what?” “Of Janne when he was in the snow.” “No, nobody did it.” I was reassured. I felt tired again and I yawned. He noticed it, got up, kisses my forehead like my Mom did when I was small and left.

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I quitted my bed a bit more than an hour later and turned on the TV. At that moment a nurse entered and asked me to turn it off. I obeyed and sat on a chair. “Here is something small to eat. If you need anything else, just ask. You can call us by pressing this button.” I didn’t look at her and she noticed it. “Mr. Olli? Are you okay?” She was blond and looked like a stupid Barbie. I had no envy to talk with her. I just wanted to be alone. She wore too much make up and her perfume was too strong and too sweet. She went closer and at that moment I gave a slap on her face. She was shocked and ran away. I was not very proud of me but at least I was alone.


Less than two minutes later a doctor and two other guys – maybe from the security – entered in my room without knocking. They all looked furious. I stayed quiet on my chair. He was talking to me but I didn’t listen. I didn’t need to hear that I was a bad guy and I should not do what I did. I was not stupid. I breathed slowly to stay calm. The guys caught me under the arms and brought me to the bed like a potato bag and the doctor did an injection that was quite painful. I gritted my teeth and closed almost instantaneously my eyes.


I woke up around 10pm. It was dark and there was no noise. I switched on the light and the TV. I was just on time to watch the evening news. The main subject was of course our accident. The presenter announced that Janne Ahonen was deceased in a dramatic bus accident and that other members of the team were injured. A journalist was in the snow with our bus in the background. It was hard to look. In the snow there was still blood. The shooting was probably made around 12 because there was quite much light. But the report made me angry. They were only talking about Janne. It was unfair! I turned the TV off and tried to sleep again. In the darkness I was crying and sniffing. I was also biting my pillow to don’t scream. I was so furious against the report and myself.

Save me. Save me, Harri. I woke up in the middle of the night, sweating. I looked around me. It was dark and the curtains were moving. “Janne? Are you here?” I asked in a panic. I sniffed and got up. There was a shadow. Someone was there. I was sure about it. “Janne?” I asked again. I walked step by step. I was under a big stress. When I was close enough I caught the curtain and opened it violently. My heart was beating very fast and I was breathing loudly. There was nobody. I looked outside and saw foot prints in the snow. They seemed to be fresh. I closed the window and the curtains. “Janne, I’m sorry. I did my best but I know that it was not enough,” I said looking around me and at the ceiling. I had the feeling that he was there. “Please, don’t haunt me. Go away. Go to the stars. Remember, you promised to your kids to be there. Maybe they are looking for you and they can’t find you.” Suddenly someone opened the door and turned on the light. I was blind during few second. “What’s going on? What are you doing out of your bed and almost screaming for the whole floor?” “I’m… I’m sorry. I go back to sleep,” I promised to the black hair nurse. When I was in the bed she switched off the light and closed the door softly. I turned on the left side and cried in silence. All my body was shaking.

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At seven o’clock a nurse arrived, switched on the light and opened the curtains. I hid my face under the cover. “Wake up. It’s the morning.” She came to me to measure my pressure and read my temperature. “You’re fine. Breakfast will be served in few minutes.” When she left I was thinking that it was not possible to be in a hospital with so many unfriendly nurses. Was it to punish me? Then the same doctor that the day before arrived without the two other guys. “Good morning Mr. Olli. I’m Dr Virtanen. How are you this morning? Did you sleep well?” He was waiting for an answer but I didn’t pronounce a single word. I guessed that he was fifty or maybe fifty-five years old. He already lost plenty of hair that was dark grey. He was probably brown when he was younger. He had a big nose looking like a potato, dark brown eyes and a small mouth. That morning he didn’t shave very well. Maybe he was in a hurry. He had a ring at his left hand. I imagined that he was married to a blond wife that was the perfect housewife in a big house in the forest near a lake with a boat. Together they had perhaps three or four kids. Because it was a lot of work for his wife, she maybe had some help. Why not an aupair girl? I guessed that she came from Germany. German girls love Finland. Why? I didn’t know. “At 11 o’clock you will meet your therapist. You will have to talk. It’s important for you. I know that you are thinking of the accident but it’s not a good solution to react like you are doing. Silence is the worst solution. If you need anything, just ask. We are here to help you.” To help me? He was funny. It was not really what I noticed since I was there. They had no respect for me. I was just a number.

At eleven o’clock I was sat on a brown leather sofa in a small room. There was a huge bookshelf on the right wall. In front of the window there were two plants. One needed some water. The therapist, that was the Dr Tapani Hevonen, was sat behind his desk that was full of papers. He looked messy. That man was old. I guessed that he refused to retire. He also didn’t have a computer. He was tall, skinny with white hair, glasses and a long nose. He was wearing a brown suit that seemed to have been bought in the 60s. He coughed and asked me to relax and to talk about any subject. But I didn’t want to talk. “Harri. Can I call you Harri? You just lived a big drama and you probably would like to talk about it to someone. I’m here to help you. Everything you will say here will remind secret. You can lie down if you prefer.”

After a long silent moment, a tear was running on my cheek. I had no energy to erase it. It ran until my chin and fall on my tight. “I feel guilty. All what happened is totally my fault. I was getting on their nerves for more than two years. We were quarreling... I said bad things but I never wished that… that this accident happens,” I told with difficulties. He gave me a tissue and I blew my nose. “It’s good Harri. You had to tell it. Do you want to continue?” My eyes were red and my nose too. I breathed deeply and calmed down. “I’m sorry. I… I would like to be able to be back in that bus and apologize. They were my friends, my family. I loved them all. Even Janne. But I never told them because of my stupid behavior. I hate myself.” The doctor was happy that I talked but it was enough for that day. I needed to rest.

When I got up, I felt bad. My head was turning. The ground was moving. The doctor caught me by the shoulder and helped me to sit. “When did you eat last time?” I tried to remember. “Sunday evening.” “You need some sugar. Wait a minute.” He got up, opened a drawer and came back with raisin sugar. I ate one and waited a bit. I felt quickly better.

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When I was back in my room I saw a tray on my table. I sat and looked. There were some bread, cheese, ham and butter. I took the bread and had a bite. My body was shaking and my stomach painful. I couldn’t eat more. I felt bad and ran to the toilets. I don’t know what I was vomiting but it was very painful. I had the impression to have a knife inside my belly. I sat on the floor, leant to the wall with my knees against my chest. I was sweating, my head and my stomach were hurting so much.

Someone knocked at the door and enter. “Harri? Hello, it’s Martin.” Oh no, it was not the right moment. I just wanted to be alone. “Where are you?” he insisted. I finally got up slowly, flushed the toilet and washed my face and my hands. “I’m here,” I said while I opened the door. He smiled and hugged me. I sat on a chair at the table and invited him to take a seat. “I cannot offer you something else than water,” said in my best English. “It’s fine. I thought a lot about you. I was worrying. How are you?” I could see that he probably didn’t sleep many hours. I guessed that he had a nightmare. “Well… I’m quite okay. I just broke my arm. It’s very difficult to brush my teeth with my left hand. I’ve to train. Otherwise I’m fine,” I said with a shy smile. But he seemed to don’t believe me. “You know Harri, when my brother was fighting against cancer I needed someone to talk with. I’m not pretending to be that person for you but if you want you can talk to me.” It was so sweet of him. I thank him after a long silence. “By the way. Why are you here? The trial round starts in an hour. You’ll be late,” I told. “Don’t worry. Nobody will jump. It’s normal after such an accident. Andreas Küttel who represents us is talking with the organisation’s committee, the FIS and the media about our common decision. Oh, I’m almost forgetting. It’s for you.” He took a little teddy bear from his pocket and gave it to me with a smile. Again I was touched by his kindness. But why was he so nice with me?

When he left I went back to my bed. I felt tired. The Barbie looking girl arrived few minutes later. I immediately recognized her perfume. “What’s going on? Why don’t you eat? Do you want something else?” she asked with her nerving voice. When I noticed that she wanted to touch me I pushed her with my foot. She was projected against the wall, screamed and said that I was crazy. I was not. I just wanted to be alone. She ran away almost crying.

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I stayed the two following days in my bed. Because I was not eating the doctors connected me to a perfusion. I said absolutely nothing and didn’t react. I was like dead. I had no energy. I could see that they were talking to me but I didn’t understand. I was like prisoner of my body. I was also afraid for my immediate future. What would happen? I guessed that I was drugged.

I was a bit better on Friday and it was that day that I had to visit my therapist. I knew that I had to talk if I wanted to go home. More silent I would be and longer I would stay there. I had no envy of it. After the usual greetings I lay down on the sofa. The Dr. Hevonen was smiling. He said that it was good that I felt more at ease in his room. He just let me talk about what I wanted.
“I can see him every night. He is talking to me.”
“Who? What does he tell you?”
“Janne. He says: Save me.”
“Do you know why?” he asked while he wrote something on his piece of paper.
“Because he asked me to help him after the accident. He was in the snow, unable to move and he was coughing blood. He also said that he couldn’t breathe,” I explained, looking at the ceiling.
“What have you done?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“I didn’t know what to do. I was in a panic. I was crying. It was cold. I was freezing because it was -20 degrees and I gave him my jacket. My heart was beating very fast. My brain seemed to be frozen. I couldn’t think. I knew that I couldn’t help him. I’m not a doctor. I can still see his eyes looking at me, imploring for help. I will never forget his green eyes. Oh doctor, it’s horrible. I can see his eyes fixing me. Right now. And he is always repeating, whispering save me, save me. Please, help me! He has to go out of my head!” I put my hand on my face. I was again in a panic.
“Breathe slowly, calm down. Don’t worry, we will help you. His phantom will leave you.”
I didn’t react to his last sentence. Was I haunted? By Janne? Oh my God. I would end my life in one of these horrible houses for crazy people. I was thrilling. Just before I closed the door he repeated: “We will help you.”

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Around 3 o’clock, someone knocked at my door. I was sat on a chair looking at the yard. I had no envy to talk. I heard that someone was walking but there was another sound. I didn’t know what it was. Maybe someone was pushing something else. “Hello Harri. It’s Matti,” he said in a soft voice. Oh no, please. Not Matti. You don’t need to come here to show me how I destroyed your body. After a hesitation he came next to me. I was still looking outside but I saw that he was in a wheel chair. “Wow! You have a nice view. From my window I can only see the wall of another building.” He really didn’t know what to tell. That was not surprising. He looked at me but I didn’t react. Was he studying my face? “I don’t know if you noticed it but I came with Marjaana. It’s a lovely nurse that is taking care of me. I’m very lucky. Do you want that I introduce her?” Lovely nurse? Was he kidding? They were all bitches. He made a sign and she came to us. “Hello Harri,” she said with a smile. I didn’t react. How could they smile? It was disgusting. “Can you let us alone five minutes?” Matti asked and after a hesitation she accepted. When the door was closed I looked at him. “I’m a monster, Matti. I will go to prison. I…” I said with my eyes wide opened and very dark. “No Harri. You’re not a monster. It was just an accident. We had bad luck,” he told. “You don’t understand,” I said while I got up. “Look! I’m alive, I can walk, I can talk and in few weeks I will be able to jump again. Look what I did to you! Do you think it’s fair?” He did his best to convince me that I was not a bad guy and that it was fatality but I didn’t accept. In my head it was clear. I was guilty. I was walking in a circle with the hand on my head. What can I say to convince? Some minutes later I sat in my chair, was calm again and went back to my thoughts. It was the moment for him to go and he understood.

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The weekend was calm. I had no visitor. I was a bit disappointed but not surprised. Nobody liked me and Martin was jumping in Norway with all the other jumpers. I took the game book that Janne Väätäinen brought me when he visited. The first grid didn’t look very challenging. Very quickly I had a headache. But I continued. I wanted to finish the grid. Suddenly I was scared to notice that I was unable to remember which the possible numbers were in the top left corner. I just guessed them two minutes earlier. I looked at the grid. The numbers were dancing on the page. How was it possible? Why were they joking on me? Oh my God! I became crazy! Stop it! Stop it! I was talking to the numbers! I took the book and threw it against the wall. The pen also. And my pillow. I was so furious. “Don’t joke on me!” I looked at the ugly flower painting and it was laughing. “No, no! It’s not possible! Go away! Leave me alone!” Suddenly a nurse with long brown hair and red glasses arrived with a guy from the security after have heard my screams. “Harri, calm down, please,” she requested with a calm voice, looking at me through the eyes. “Go back to your bed and lie down.” I did it in silence. When I was calm she gave me a pill with a glass of water. I stayed quiet and there was no violence. Again I didn’t know if I was awake or sleeping. But something was sure: my strengths left me. I was just a motionless body in a bed looking at the snow falling through the window.

Sunday just before to go to sleep the Dr Virtanen came. He asked me if I wanted to hear some bad news about Ville. I was ready to hear that he was dead. I was quite sure about it. “Don’t be so stressed. He is not dead,” he reassured. I was confused. “My colleagues concluded that he is quadriplegic. The good news is that he can communicate with his eyes.” Good news? I hoped that he was kidding. “Leave my room. Now.” I said calmly and he obeyed.

Save Me. Save Me. I woke up, sweating. I turned on the light and looked around me. There was nobody but I had a strange feeling. He was there. I got up and walked to the bathroom. Nobody. Then I went to the door. It was locked. Save me. I turned and looked in the direction of the window that was closed. But strangely, the curtains were moving. “I told you to go away. Why are you here? I know that I was bad. How many times must I apologize? Go away! Go away! Go away!!!” I screamed. The black hair nurse unlocked the door and told me to go immediately to my bed. I did it. I was shaking. “I’m sorry but I have to do it.” She did an injection and I knew that I would fell asleep quickly. “Why are you sorry?” I asked in a very low voice. “Because this product is destroying you. You will lose the control of your body and your mind.” Her voice was like coming from another galaxy. “What… what do you mean?” But I didn’t hear the answer.

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Right after breakfast on Monday I went to the Dr Hevonen’s office. He wanted to know what I felt and why I was still very often crying one week after the accident. I did my best to explain what happened in the bus just before the crash. “We were doing stupid games. We had some fun like when we sang but we were also quarreling. Ville who was driving was bored and angry. I never stopped. I was always doing or saying something stupid. The previous evening I drank a lot of alcohol and I had hangover. I continued to drink in the bus. And I was even more stupid. I knew that everybody was complaining about my behavior. But I had fun of it. He made me special, unique. I loved it. When Ville was furious I felt happy,” I cried after have admit it. I looked at the ceiling. The tears were running on my cheeks until my ears. “I killed Janne. Matti is paraplegic and Ville is… quadriplegic. I’m a monster.” “No, Harri, you’re not. You just didn’t realize how furious Ville was.” “No!” I got up from the sofa and went to his desk. “I’m not that stupid but I conscientiously did it! It’s why I’m a monster!” I caught the scissors that were on his desk, gripped them in my hand like a weapon and walked around to be closer. “Harri, please, sit down. Drink a bit of water. There is no reason to be so furious.” My breathing was loud and not regular. He didn’t understand. He didn’t want to understand. He was like the others. He promised to help me but it was a lie. I was furious. Suddenly the door opened and three guys that were tall and muscular looked at me. I unclenched and the scissors fall on the carpet. But they came to me like wolves, caught me and injected me something. My muscles were like paralyzed. I couldn’t escape. They carried me until my room and I couldn’t protest. The Dr Hevonen looked at me with a smile that I didn’t appreciate.

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In the mid afternoon I was quietly watching TV. There were showing Janne’s funerals in Lahti. There were a lot of people all dressed in black. Tiia looked very elegant in her black dress and with her high heels. Mico had a tie and looked almost like an adult. He seemed to be sad but was not crying. Milo was carried in the arm of an old lady, maybe his grandmother. I recognized Tommi Nikunen our former head coach and personal coach of Janne, Janne Väätäinen, Kalle Keituri, Tami Kiuru, Andreas Goldberger, Adam Malysz, Thomas Morgenstern and many others. I was happy for Tiia and the kids. At least they were not alone. I hope that all these people would move to Mikkeli to visit us before to go to Planica. I switched off the TV and remembered that I had a mission to do.


I took my pen and some paper and wrote a message for Janne’s children. I closed my eyes and tried to remember exactly what he said before to die. It had something to do with the stars. It was so hard to remember. I was furious. I bit my hand several times and hit the table with my fist. Was my memory erasing? What the Hell were the pills that I was eating? After have teared up several sheets I was happy about the result even if my handwriting was unsure and not that easy to read. I bended it and insert it into an envelope that I put in the drawer of my night desk. On the floor there was a big mess. I collected all the papers and threw them in the trash.

When the Barbie looking nurse brought my dinner she had a weird smile. “You are much calmer now,” she said with a bit of irony in her voice. At that moment I just wanted to explode her stupid face against the wall. I hated when someone was making fun of me. But I stayed as quiet as possible. I preferred to avoid their injections with I don’t know which poison inside. My mind was not totally clear but I was still able to think enough to preserve my physical and mental health. “Is it you that is screaming in the night and saying that you are haunted by your friend’s phantom?” I was furious. I gripped the bed sheet that almost broke. She probably noticed that I was close to explode and she left. I put my head on the pillow and relaxed. Next time I kill you. Then I gave a slap in my own face. Come on Harri. You are not that silly. You will not kill her. It’s just some provocation.

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In the evening someone knocked at the door and entered. I was sat on my chair, watching TV. “Hello Harri. What’s new?” It was Matti. I recognized his voice. As an answer I just raised my shoulders. “Have you seen the funerals at TV? There were a lot of people. He was loved. Not like me.” Again he did his best to tell me with sweet words that I was not bad. “Today I went to the psychologist and I tried to kill him with scissors. He didn’t want to listen to me. I told about the games in the bus and the beers.” “I understand but it’s not good to try to kill people.” “Have you seen Ville? He will stay like that all his life and it my fault,” I said. “No, it’s not your fault.” “Yes! My seat belt was not fastened and I was moving in all directions. At a moment I was ejected in the front and I hit his neck! Do you understand! I almost broke his neck! And I’m safe! He saved me! If he was not there I would be dead like Janne!” I shouted and screamed. I got up and broke the mirror in the bathroom. “I’m a monster!!!!” I screamed while I caught a large piece of mirror with my shaking hand and approached it dangerously from my throat. “No Harri. Don’t do that!”he shouted, out of breath and scared. Suddenly a doctor and two nurses arrived to make me calmer and to stop my bad intention. The piece of mirror broke on the floor. I was screaming and fighting but then the silence was back. Everything was dark.

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